A Secret Habit to Better Your Relationships

Have you ever walked away from a conversation wishing you could take back your words? Or you sat across from someone you care about, nodding, but your mind was somewhere else – distracted and overwhelmed with your endless to-do list. I know I have. But what if there is a secret habit to better your relationships? Would you try it?

The truth is I don’t have this all figured out. That’s why my word for the year is Pause—because I know how easy it is to rush through conversations, react too fast, and miss the moments that matter.

In a recent post, “How to Find God’s Presence in a Busy Life,” we explored how pausing can enhance our relationship with God. But what if the secret to building stronger, healthier relationships is as simple as a pause? Are you willing to join me and give it a try?

How Pausing Strengthens Relationships

Do you struggle sometimes to stay present when spending time with others? When meeting someone new, do you forget their name a few seconds into the conversation? Or maybe, as someone is sharing, you’re busy concentrating on what your response will be.

I’m a master at multitasking while talking to someone. I’m even guilty of checking my phone during a conversation or mentally preparing my well-crafted response instead of listening intently to the words spoken. I know this doesn’t go unnoticed, and it makes people feel unheard and undervalued. I don’t want to be that person. Instead, I want to follow Jesus’s lead. He was never in a hurry, and people felt valued in His presence.

Better Listening, More Validating

A short pause before engaging with another person can help us better listen, understand, and validate what the other person is saying. Better listening will lessen misunderstandings, leading to healthier interactions.

Active listening is a tool to learn and use, where one listens to the other person without interrupting or forming a response while paying attention to the speaker’s tone, body language, and emotions.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” 
(James 1: 19-20 NIV)

Being Fully Present

Are you a master at multitasking? Stop! We can’t fully absorb what other people are conveying when we are busy doing many things. People feel seen and valued when we intentionally pause to engage with them. Jesus was a master at being fully present with people. He amazed me with how deeply he engaged and how he didn’t rush conversations.

Emotional Awareness

Pausing before reacting helps us process our emotions before we speak. This action is especially beneficial when we are feeling negative emotions like frustration, anger, or hurt. Pausing helps us process emotions before speaking, leading to healthier interactions..

Not too long ago, I responded out of frustration, and as soon as the words left my mouth, I wished I could’ve changed them. Have you been there too?

But I’ve also had moments when I caught myself and paused, choosing grace instead of trying to prove myself right. Those moments are tiny victories.

Faith and Connection

Pausing to pray for others keeps us connected to God and to that person. It is a great way to love and support someone even if the relationship is severed. A short prayer pause invites the Holy Spirit into the conversation and allows God to work. His plan can prevail instead of ours.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14 NIV)

Silence Speaks Volumes

A pause in a conversation can speak volumes. It allows us and others to connect on a deeper level.

It takes practice to become comfortable with that awkward silence. I’m still working on ignoring the urge to fill the silence with words. But I’ve learned that silence isn’t empty. It is where trust is built.

Recently, I sat with someone in their pain and said very little. I felt like I had failed them because I was at a loss for encouraging words. Yet, when our time ended, I was baffled as they shared how much our time together benefited them.

Demonstrates Respect and Care

When we pause to let others speak, we show that we care and want to know what they’re thinking. This is a form of respect.

We often think the key to a better relationship is more of everything: time, talking, explaining, or giving. However, we can’t build better relationships in a rush, and they grow when we slow down and pay attention.

My Five-Step Method for Intentional Conversations

This year, I’ve started something new. When I anticipate a difficult conversation or want to be more intentional in my relationships, I use this 5-step hand-counting method. I’ve been practicing, and trust me, it makes a difference when I use this tool. Maybe you’ll find it helpful, too.

Pause. Breathe. Pray. Listen. Validate.

• Thumb – Pause: Start by reminding yourself to pause before an interaction occurs.
• Index Finger – Breathe: Take a moment, breathe deeply, and exhale.
• Middle Finger – Pray: Ask God for wisdom, patience, and guidance.
• Ring Finger – Listen: Plan to tune in so well that you can repeat the conversation word-for-word.
• Pinky – Validate: Remind yourself to look for ways to validate the other person’s feelings and perspective

Want to learn more about “the magic language called Validation? Check out our post: “How to Be a Better Friend.”

How to Build the Habit of Pausing in Your Relationships

I’ll be the first to admit that pausing isn’t easy; it takes practice. It doesn’t seem to come second nature to me. How about you?

Some days, I remember the secret habit I’m trying to create; others, I don’t, and an apology is warranted. But I know God is growing me in this area, and I hope you will join me.

Here are some practical ways to make a habit of pausing in your relationships:

• Morning Intentions: Start your day by asking Jesus to give you patience and presence in your relationships
• Pre-Response Pause: Take a 3-second pause before replying to conversations, emails, or texts. One way to do this is to take a deep breath before speaking or responding, especially in emotional situations.
• Count to Five: When emotions are hot, slowly count to five before saying a word.
• Practice Active Listening:
• Pray Before Reacting: A quick “Lord, let it be your words, not mine” can change everything.
• Ask Yourself at Midday: Am I truly listening and engaging with others today the way Jesus would?
• Evening Journaling: Take a moment to look at your day and see if pausing helped or if there were any missed opportunities when pausing might have helped.
• Five-Step Method: Use the 5-step method mentioned above. Pause. Breathe. Pray. Listen. Validate

Every Relationship Can Improve Through Short Pauses

What if a tiny pause could enhance your marriage? Or taking a deep breath and counting to 3 could turn a harsh reaction into a moment of connection. Relationships don’t deteriorate overnight, and they also won’t repair in an instant. However, the secret habit of pausing can make all the difference over time.

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:6 NET)

Why Pausing Is the Secret to Better Relationships

The secret habit to better relationships is pausing, not doing more. Those small intentional pauses that no one sees can help us be better listeners, respond in a God-honoring way, and build trust.

Let’s embrace this simple but powerful habit together and see how it transforms our relationships. I’m in this with you.

Challenge: Try the five-step method mentioned above in three conversations this week and notice how it changes your interactions. Please come back and share.

Let’s learn from each other! Please comment below, and let’s encourage one another on this journey.

If this post encouraged you, why not pass it along? Someone in your life might need this reminder today. 💛 Click the share buttons at the end of the post to spread the encouragement! 😊

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