I stood over my daughter’s bed and screamed at her, “Get up, get up, get up,” as she repeated, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” Her reaction seemed absurd. As her mom, I expected Marie to do what I asked. Did she genuinely have limitations? Was she physically unable to get out of bed?
Obedience had come relatively easy up to this point. Besides, it was time for school. Was this the dreaded teenage rebellion taking root in our home, or was it something else? I had some control—not that I had perfect kids, but they were pretty good. Yet, I couldn’t get Marie out of bed for some odd reason.
I tried patience and kindness: “Honey, it’s time to go to school.” The angry mom way: “I said get up, do it now.” Then, teaching: “It’s simple to arise out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, like this.”
Yes, I demonstrated how to put one foot in front of the other. Okay, laugh—it is funny now, but at that time, it wasn’t. Finally, out of exasperation, I left the room. How could I, the mom, not get my child out of bed?
Have you ever experienced this kind of frustration when trying to get a loved one to do something they are unwilling or unable to do? You can read my daughter’s perspective on the same day by clicking here.
Frustrated, Angry, and Feeling Like a Failure!
This failure was new territory, and I didn’t like it. Little did I know, this was my introduction to the world of mental illness. That day, I had no idea what the “real” issues were. My life changed from orderly control to chaos and frustration in an instant. The structure I prided myself on soon became a thing of the past.
I needed to move from control to acceptance, or I was going to drown.
We need to “Accept Mental Illness is Real.”
Recognizing mental illness is real can be challenging and quite a journey. It does not happen overnight. #caregivers #mentalillness Share on XUntil now, it never occurred to me that people might have different limitations. Complicating matters further, limitations in the world of mental illness can change at any given moment. After all, she got up yesterday; why not today?
It is easy to sit from our vantage point and say, “If I can do it, you can too.” But we have no idea what limitations someone else might be experiencing. #limitations #acceptance Share on XI have read, studied, taught, and learned an immense amount about mental illness and what it feels like to be depressed. I know it is silly, but I have even lain in bed trying to feel depressed, hoping to understand my loved ones and offer better help.
Education helps tremendously and has helped me to get closer to what it is like to live in the mind of someone with a mental illness. Learning coping skills and new ways to support my loved ones has been essential.
Walking in Someone Else’s Shoes
But the truth is, no matter how much I learn, I still don’t know what it’s like to feel clinically depressed. We can’t completely walk in someone else’s shoes; we can only step in our own. It’s impossible to know the difficulty for another fully.
Choose Acceptance
Fighting against the reality of mental illness wastes time and depletes our energy. We need to preserve our strength and reserves to channel it for better use. Judging someone else’s abilities only leaves us frustrated and worn out.
Yet when we choose to accept, we begin the journey of change. Acceptance doesn’t mean we like or agree with what is transpiring. After all, I wanted my daughter to rise and go to school.
But more importantly, we need to meet those we care about right where they are. After all, isn’t that what God does with us?
What limitations are you struggling to accept in another right now?
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness Community
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness is a Christ-centered online community for people who care for someone with a mental illness. We have four unique ways for caregivers to participate. You choose what works best for you.
Click here to discover four unique ways for caregivers to participate.
I fully agree—it requires supernatural help to step meaningfully into the shoes of someone who is dealing with mental illness. I appreciate your insights always!
Thank you, Michele, for your comments. You caught me at a weak moment and reminded me how important it is not to judge and to tap into the Holy Spirit before attempting to step into someone else’s shoes.
Blessings,
Maree
I really like this thought: “Knowledge and acceptance have spurred compassion, empathy, and understanding which brings about a better Mom for the unique needs of my family.” 🙂
I can’t relate to mental illness, but I can definitely relate to feeling like a failure in the mom-of-teens department! I, too, seemed to have so much more control when my kids were little. It can be SO difficult sometimes to muddle through the teen years!
Thanks for sharing with us at Literacy Musing Mondays.
Oh, those lovely teen years. They sure can be difficult. I am so glad we are out of those. Maree
I am so thankful you are writing about mental illness. I come from a long line of women who have been medicated for depression at one time or another, including myself. A mild form for me but it comes in unannounced and unexpectedly and throws me off my feet. Thank you for sharing.
Barbie, Thank you so much for sharing your own experience. I have not experienced it personally so it helps me, help my loved ones when I can connect with others that know first hand what it feels like to have depression. I can attest I have seen it rapidly take over unannounced and unexpectedly. I think those that fight mental health problems are brave, strong, and amazing.
Thank you also for your encouragement to write about mental health challenges. I believe the more we educate and talk about mental health the better we can help and find more compassion instead of judgments.
Hope you are enjoying your weekend,
Maree
Acceptance is hard sometimes, especially with mental illness my son has schizoaffective and his brother would question whether it was real or if he was faking as did my other daughters but fortunately they all support him in his journey now even if they do not understand thankful for that small blessing
Debbie – I am sorry your son has to struggle with a mental illness. I know it is hard for the entire family. You are so fortunate that your other kids support him. Have you ever taken the NAMI class Family to Family? It is a great class for the entire family. Blessings, Maree
Thank you for continuing to share your journey so transparently and the lessons the Lord is showing you in the midst of it.
I found myself pausing to reflect about “accepting others limitations” and realized this can look very different and be found in many different circumstances, yet the acceptance would be the same for all; for the very reason you stated – Jesus accepts us, we must show grace and accept others in their limitations.
Thanks for this edifying post.
Karen, Thank you for your encouraging comment. I am so glad you paused to reflect. Wishing you a Happy 4th of July. Maree
Love this: After acceptance, you can begin the journey of understanding. That is such a profound truth. We each have our battles, struggles, wars to fight. This life was never promised to be easy, but with Christ we are able to love and learn through it all.
Sarah – I love what you said, “but with Christ, we are able to love and learn through it all.” So true when we anchor to him possibilities are galore. Maree
Oh, Maree, this is such a needed topic in the community, including the Christian community. So many struggling people who need help, not judgement. I lost my younger brother to a tragic event as a result of mental illness. There’s just not much help available for adults. I am so glad your daughter has a praying mama who does the homework needed to deal with this very real issue. Blessings!!
Esther, I am so sorry you lost your brother. Sending prayers up for you and your family. I am not sure when your loss was, but I know the pain lasts a lifetime. I happen to be at the NAMI National Convention this week learning more ways to reach out and help families that struggle with mental illness. Thank you for stopping by and leaving such am encouraging comment. Blessings, Maree
Excellent post, Maree. When you’re dealing with mental illness, it does change “normal” situations. I can relate.
Sarah, I feel so lucky in that I received two comments from you today. Thank you for stopping by and reading. Maree
These are wise words for navigating the rough waters of parenting — or for dealing with any of the difficult people we encounter. The more we love someone, the harder it is to take a “hands off” approach to loving them. Thankful that God is available with wisdom and plenty of grace.
Michele – I agree with what you said, “the more we love someone, the hard it is to take a “hands off” approach.” I am trying to exercise a bit of that this weekend. I know the key is leaning into God. Maree
Thanks for the reminder, Maree, to “lean into God!”
I know for me its the only way I get through the rough stuff. Praying as I send this to you. Maree
I have been reading over several comments made over the past few weeks tonight because my husband & I are spending time with our daughter who struggles with borderline personality. She & her husband have two little boys (an infant & toddler) and, unfortunately, are stuck in denial over her mental illness. After only being in their home approximately 24 hours, I have found myself being unfairly targeted & used, once again, as a “scapegoat.” However, I am hanging onto the fact that “with Christ, I can love & learn through it all”, no matter how upsetting, hurtful and difficult it may be. Thank you, Maree, for providing this wonderful blog and support group!
Bette, Praying for you. I know it must be difficult, but you are so right with Christ you can love. Let it roll right off. Maree
Thank you, Maree! I have been holding on and not giving up for over 25 years, thanks to the strength God has provided me. I am determined not to quite and so appreciate your blog which helps me keep going, despite my very difficult and painful circumstances. It makes me so sad to know a young child is being used as a “hammer” as well, but I know God has His eye on him!
Thanks for that story and for the encouragement; I have a similar story of a daughter who I discovered has mental illness, so it provides comfort to know that I’m not alone. While I was originally challenged to accept the fact that she had a serious disorder, my challenge over the last few years has been to accept that she is in extreme denial over it. It’s a real challenge, especially now that she’s married and I have a grandson, to accept that she is very hostile towards me for believing she’s mentally ill, and has chosen to turn it around on me, refusing to be in relationship unless I “abolish” that thinking! HELP!
You are definitely not alone. That is a lot to accept. I always say one step at a time. Remember acceptance doesn’t mean we give in, give up, or agree with the other person. It just means we accept things as they are. Don’t lose hope. Things can change. I know she is blessed to have a mom that won’t give up.