Grieving is hard enough with any loss but even more complicated when it comes to pain the world can’t see. Have you ever suffered, and no one seemed to understand, acknowledge, or support you through the heartache? It brings up the question we must ask, how do we grieve losses the world can’t see?
To understand “how,” one must dig a little deeper.
Why Doesn’t the World See Our Losses?
Maybe others don’t understand our pain. It isn’t easy to put ourselves in the shoes of someone else. When we haven’t walked another’s path, we most likely will not miraculously see their pain nor offer empathy or help.
The list of losses the world might not see are numerous; chronic pain, illness, divorce, miscarriage, a move, changes, income decrease, job, relationships, and many more.
When a death occurs, it is pretty apparent a loss has occurred. We expect family and friends to struggle and grieve. We have set protocols and social norms in place to help one through the process. One can usually expect cards, flowers, gifts, calls to be made, and food to arrive at the house.
But what about when the loss does not include death? We seem to be at a loss for what to do.
Are We a Factor in the World Not Seeing Our Losses?
Yes—If you are hiding from your grief, how will the world know you are hurting? Be sure to visit last week’s post, “Why Are You Hiding From Your Grief?” Click here to read.
If we can’t articulate and share our needs and losses, how can we expect the world to see them or offer us any support?
The Vicious Cycle
When society is silent about our suffering, we tend to move into secrecy, which in turn leaves us feeling as though we don’t have the right to grieve. We then work hard at covering up our pain.
As we stay silent, the world can’t understand and offer us anything.
We must grieve our losses despite whether the world sees them.
Grieving is a healthy response to loss. Your physical and emotional health is at stake. The grief you hold back will interfere with the ability to move forward. Share on XWe hear the word burnout many times as it relates to caregiving. Sometimes this is the result of refusing to grieve your losses. When we hold our emotions in, the burden increases and makes it harder to move forward.
How Do We Grieve Our Losses The World Doesn’t See?
I bet you think I will give you an excellent formula for this or tell you the stages you must go through. Don’t we all wish it was that easy? Grief is unique to each of us, and so is working through it. Here is what works for me.
Recognize Your Loss
Be aware of what you have lost.
Name Your Loss
Put words to what you are feeling by describing without judging it right or wrong.
Allow Yourself to Feel the Emotion
Let the sadness arise within you. Know you can survive it. God created emotions for a reason.
Accept the Loss
Stop denying, covering it up, or pushing it away. It happened – the loss occurred. Accept it as reality. Pretending does not make it go away or the pain any lesser.
Denying the loss will not change it.
Wishing things were different will not change it.
But accepting the loss will allow you to have more room for joy and the chance to move forward.
Validate the Loss
You are your best advocate. Go ahead and validate yourself. What would you say to a friend going through the same loss?
Mourn the Loss
Everyone grieves differently and in their own time. Allow yourself to do this.
When you allow yourself the grieving process for your losses, you will find your “NEW NORMAL.” It will help you to move forward in the midst of your circumstances.
Recognize Your Loss – Name It – Feel the Emotion – Accept It – Validate It – Mourn It
Don’t Grieve Alone
Mourn With God
It doesn’t matter if the world understands your losses; God does. He understands the depth of our pain like no one else. We are not alone; God grieves with us.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted… Psalm 34:18
Find Support
We need to connect with others who have similar pain. It is essential to find people that get it in addition to those already in your life. If you haven’t walked it, you can’t quite understand it like someone who has. Don’t be afraid to seek treatment for yourself. It helped me.
Remember – Two Emotion Can Exist at the Same Time
As I shared with you in the post, “What Helps When You Are Grieving?‘ two emotions can be true at the same time. One will not cancel the other out. Click here to read.
Recognizing My Loss
Just the other day, I felt this uneasiness creeping in, irritability with life, and sadness I couldn’t understand. You see I am spending half the year in a distant town away from home. It is a place where beauty is unbelievable, and it is an opportunity to write and help someone I love. So why the sadness?
I chose this path, I have a willing heart, and I know it was where God wants me. Yet, I still feel sadness.
What does the world see?
The world looks at me as “lucky.” The comments from others add to the confusion. It is not uncommon to hear “how nice you get to vacation so much.” At first, I failed to see it too. I felt ungrateful, unworthy, guilty, and as if my losses were not significant to recognize. Plus, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, so it clouded the sadness.
Then it dawned on me one day with the help of someone brilliant. One of my favorite things to do is spend time with friends and family, something I was failing to do. Being in a new place meant being far away from friends and family. It meant traveling back and forth to two home bases and feeling as if I don’t belong anywhere.
Once I was able to feel the emotion, recognize the loss, name it, accept it, validate it, and mourn it, I was ready to move forward with a new plan.
I discovered I could develop new friendships. Being with people fuels me and is an essential part of my life. However, I was failing to add that to my life. A little intentionality on my part was needed, and what a difference it made. It didn’t make the losses go away, but it opened up my life to more joy.
The world may not see our losses, but that does not make them unworthy of grieving. Our pain is unique to each of us and is worth recognizing. The more we openly share and grieve, the more the world will change and begin to acknowledge our pain which will, in turn, make it easier for us to mourn. We must figure out how to grieve our losses even when the world can’t see them.
Do you have painful losses the world doesn’t see? Do you have any tips for grieving?
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Maree, thank you for continuing the discussion on grief. You have some very good advice to help us see the need for grieving and to help us learn to go through it and not to hide it. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and for linking up at the #LMMLinkup. Blessings to you!
Gayl, So nice to see your picture pop up in my comments. Thank you for hosting #LMMLinkup. Maree
Hopping over from Trekking Thru…
I’m part of a population of adoptive families who have walked through intense crisis and ended up with piles of invisible PTSD and grief. Figuring out how to let the world see if tricky because we have a type of grief that people are often unwilling to accept or understand. When you’re already so battle weary, it’s hard to put yourself out there and face another rejection. Additionally, it’s hard to explain our feelings while still respecting our children’s privacy and their stories.
I do agree that we need to figure out how to articulate better and to rely on Jesus. Human support is just not always possible, but HE never lets us down!
Melissa, I can completely relate.Though our struggles are not the same, we have some threads of similarity. I am still trying to figure out what is my story and what is my child’s story. What do I share and what do I keep to myself. I have found finding others going through the same things has helped me tremendously. You are so right about human support not always be available; I am so glad we have Jesus.
I love this truth! It’s so hard to grieve and to know what’s healthy and what’s not. This is a wonderful list of learning how to grieve in a healthy way!
Emily – You are so right it is hard to know what is healthy and what is not. It is all so different and unique for each person. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment. Blessings, Maree
This is so true! When I went through my caregiver journey (my husband’s cancer almost killed him), I went through a period of mourning after he was healed! Crazy, huh? But I needed to mourn the loss of the old normal and learn to accept the new normal. I’d love to have you link this post up at my http://www.blessedbutstressed.com blog this week–the theme is encouragement for caregivers, and this post fits the bill perfectly!
Anita, No, not crazy at all. I get it. As I have gone from providing 24/7 care to a lower level, there is a loss of my role, and it is an adjustment. Of course, I am happy my caregiving isn’t needed as much but all the same a “new normal.” Thank you for the heads up on the link-up. I will head over there now. Maree
Anita, I must have missed the link-up. It shows it is closed. I had another post I wanted to leave too. https://www.embracingtheunexpected.com/why-are-you-hiding-from-your-grief/ Maree
So, so, so good, Maree. Allowing myself to grieve has been an important piece to the layers of grief we face in our family as we deal with mental health issues. However, the frustration of feeling very alone in that grief is often hard. Others cannot understand – I don’t expect them to and explaining it is so complicated. But over the years, I have a small few who understand and who know when I need the extra prayers or the extra shoulder to cry on. In the end, allowing the grief to happen and finding a select few to be there for us has helped us hold onto our joy and live with peace. Hugs to you!
Lori, Yes, it is hard for others to understand and exhausting trying to explain about mental health issues. I am so glad you have a few people who do understand and are willing to pray and support you. I like what you said, “allowing myself to grieve has been an important piece to the layers of grief.” I struggled with the grieving piece at first.
I too value the support from others. I am always an email or text away if you ever need prayer.
Blessings,
Maree
Hi, Maree Dee, such a thoughtful post on a subject that isn’t often spoken of. Grief is allowed for many things, like you said, loss of a job, marriage, friendships, even family relationships and so much more. I’ve suffered grief in my time and now I walk in peace, new marriage, new location (we moved across the country), new adventures. The only thing that is still on my mind is my estranged relationship with my 29 yo son. I’ve no idea why he stopped talking with me. Yes, it hurts terribly and I grieve that. However, I also put him in a box on the shelf otherwise I’d be crying all the time. So, to carry on, I do my best not to think of him. Sad,huh? My only child, a chosen child too, and he keeps himself away from me. Yes, very sad. Well, tears are coming…bye for now.
Stopped by from The Glimpses Linkup.
Cindy, Oh my heart grieves for you. I am so sorry you are estranged from your son.I bet it hurts like crazy. Sending prayers right now for your pain and for reconciliation with your son. I have seen some impossible relationships repair in my lifetime. Keep on hoping!
Thank you for sharing. I love that you have been able to recognize the loss and move forward. I am so glad you walk in peace with a new marriage and new adventures. Blessings, Maree
Grieving is not something I share openly. Both of my parents are gone now and I have experienced other devastating losses in my life. I only say that to give you context but to realize how important it is to be honest in the grieving process. The world says you mourn for a few days and you’re done. I gave the eulogy at my mom’s funeral and at the end I invited everyone there to remember the family as time passed by. The grief was not going to dissipate over night and it is important to continue to walk with others well past the funeral. I am trying to live this out with my family members and friends who have gone through loss. Great post!
Mary, I am so glad you shared your wisdom. I have been surrounded by close friends this year that have lost people they love. I have learned so much from them, and you are so right we need to keep walking with them way past the funeral. I have watched their grief increase not decrease after the funeral. I am sorry for your losses and thankful for your willingness to be vulnerable here at Embracing the Unexpected. Blessings, Maree
Maree, thank you for this! Throughout the past month, one of the phrases I’ve used most is the truth that two emotions can be true at the same time. I have some friends going through heavy losses, and it’s hard when there is a sense of relief that comes with a loss. It’s confusing to feel relieved and deeply saddened at the same time. Thank you for speaking this truth. This is a very helpful post for us all. I actually went to a seminar on grief last night, and the speaker made an interesting comment. He advised us to process our grief as a regular spiritual discipline and pointed out all the same things you did that can lead to grief – “small” losses as well as large ones. He described some of the steps you mentioned above and the practice of writing it down in a grief journal. What a powerful concept. Thank you for speaking into this subject!
Stacey, Yes, Writing it down is powerful. Wish I could have attended the seminar you went to. I find it very interesting about processing it as a regular spiritual discipline. I am going to have to ponder the meaning of that.Thank you for adding to the conversation it was very helpful. Maree
Thank you for sharing this truth-filled post! Finding a way to write my own Biblical Lament based on David’s Psalms of Lament has really helped me in difficult times of loss. I am so thankful for the support of beautiful friends and a great counselor during the roughest seasons. But, yes you are so right that acknowledging my own pain with the Lord was my most important step in finding His healing. Blessings to you!
Bettie, Thank you for adding the point about David’s Psalms of Lament. I too used to write them out, and it was so helpful. Thank you for the reminder I am going to spend a little time doing that this week. I am so glad the Lord is your most important step in healing. Blessings to you, Maree
Beautiful, biblical and inspiring words of hope for those who grieve, Maree Dee! I’ll be pinning to my Grief and Inspiration board!
Thank you for your encouraging words and sharing my post. I do hope they will help someone else in the process of grieving. Maree
When my youngest (now 21) was moving through stages like not being in diapers anymore, people around me were excited for me. I recall, however, feeling a huge sense of sadness. It took me a couple of months to realize what I needed was to grieve … these milestones felt like losses rather than victories because we weren’t going to be having more babies. No one was talking about this invisible loss.
Kimberly, You are not alone. I was so sad when my youngest headed off to Kindergarten and then again when he graduated college. You are right they are invisible losses. You might enjoy this post where I wrote about it. https://www.embracingtheunexpected.com/struggling-embrace-next-season/ Thank you for stopping by. Blessings, Maree
I appreciate the thought of asking myself what a friend would say to me. I think we could all use more of that! Blessings…
Amy, Yes, we don’t always treat ourselves as we should. We need to be good to us too. Thank you for stopping by. Hope you have a fantastic weekend. Maree
amazing we try to shield the world and ourselves from expressing our grief. Part of the Fall, part of the leaf-covering of shame, I’m guessing. My niece has done a beautiful job of processing and sharing w/ the world her loss of her husband on sansoxegen –
Sue, It is pretty amazing we try to shield the world. Thank you for sharing about your niece. Would you want to share the link? I think others might find it helpful.
Maree, thank you so much for this post! I am in the middle of an “invisible loss” right now, and you have helped me realize that I need to go through these steps of grief to fully accept the loss and move forward. I have felt stuck, kind of in an emotional fog, and your words are helping me see much more clearly. The world may not understand what I am going through, but I am so glad that God is close to the brokenhearted!
Christin, First off, I am so sorry you are going through an invisible loss. Praying for your right now! God knows what it is and I have no doubt is right there with you. I am glad my post helped and appreciated you sharing with us here at “Embracing the Unexpected.” Please know you are not alone.
I lost my husband of fifty-two years five years ago – I have come to realize this type of grief is very personal, something you can only share with God.
Rachel,
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I am finding grief is so personal. Each person grieves their losses in such a unique way. I am so glad you have God to share it with. Thank you for being a part of the conversation. Blessings, Maree
Thanks so much for sharing this, Maree. I’ve found that ignoring or not acknowledging grief can lead to a really dark and dreary place. So this was very helpful. Blessings to you.
Boma, I am so glad you found my post helpful. I agree when we ignore our grief it takes down a dark path. Blessings to you, Maree
It really is easy to shove grief down but it doesn’t stay there. We have to work through it. If we could accept help from others, I think it would go much better.
Great words!
Sarah, Yes, I agree help from others is key. Thank you for adding your words to the conversation. Maree
I have suffered losses both through death and through disappointment, betrayal and so on. Loss is loss. The grief process takes its time and I agree in some ways the hidden losses are the ones that can leave us feeling the most alone. God is our solace. In every case. I enjoyed this post — I shared a similar post on Blessing Bloggers today as well called from Grief to Life! Blessings to you!
Peggy, I agree- loss is loss. I would love to read your post if you get a chance to leave the link. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. I agree God is our solace. Blessing, Maree
Very thought provoking post! I am learning to be more open with my grief. I tend to go into encouraging others but need to let people in more often!! ❤
Donna, Yes, the hardest part is letting others in. Thank you for your encouraging words. Blessings, Maree