Who doesn’t want better relationships? Most likely, we all do. However, sometimes we need a little extra help and self-examination. Perhaps today is a great time to consider how confessing more might improve the connection in our relationships.
Today, we have the honor of welcoming Beth Steffaniak as our guest on Embracing the Unexpected. Beth has a stunning website, Messy Marriage, where she offers real, raw, and redemptive wisdom. Today, she tackles how to improve our connection with others by confessing more. She not only shares with transparency but offers us some concrete steps each of us can take.
Today we are welcoming Beth Steffaniak as our guest on Embracing the Unexpected. She will be sharing with us how to improve our connection with others by confessing more. #confessing #connection #relationships Share on XHow to Improve Connection by Confessing More
Guest Post by Beth Steffaniak
I remember it like it was yesterday when, in reality, it had been almost twenty years since then. My husband and I were arguing, and he said something that, for the first time, really jolted me. He asked me, “Why do you always defend yourself, Beth?” Adding “Why do you always think you’re right?”
Who was he talking to? Moi?! Certainly, not me?
Sadly, I wasn’t ready to admit to this vice, nor did we resolve whatever it was we were arguing about. No surprise there, since defensiveness always defeats solving a problem. Resolving requires taking responsibility, and I was not about to do that! Every problem always seemed to stem from the way my husband was doing something. It surely didn’t originate from me!
Thankfully, God would not let me walk away from that encounter or the truth my husband unearthed that day without convincing me to make an important choice. The Lord kept my husband’s question running through my mind, convicting my heart day after day.
One morning, days or weeks later, I was reading the Bible and came across Proverbs 12:1.
I could swear that word—”stupid”—was wearing boxing gloves, since it hit me right between the eyes! It was like the Lord was holding up a very ugly picture for me to see of myself. I was the one who hated correction, and because of that was acting like a stupid fool.
If my pride was what motivated me to defend before (and it was), then my pride was also left wounded and bleeding in the best possible way in this moment. I finally acknowledged to myself, to God and my husband, my long-held habit of defensiveness. It became my mission from that moment onward to change my ways, especially with my husband.
Did I change overnight? Probably not.
Did I commit to making small and ever-increasing efforts to lower my guard, to humble myself, and to admit my sins and failures moving forward? You bet!
The following are based on the steps that I made to avoid this ugly habit of defensiveness and instead foster more connection in my relationships. My hope is that you will find them useful for your life as well.
Find out the steps Beth Steffaniak took to avoid the ugly habit of defensiveness and instead foster more connection in her relationship with her husband. #confession #defensive #defensiveness Share on X
Defeating Defensiveness and Cultivating Confessional Connection
Replace Defensiveness—or Any Sin—with an Obedient Choice
Scripture reveals that we need to replace a bad habit—like defending ourselves—with a God-honoring one—like humble confession. This thought reflects the protocol found in James 4:7-8a.
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.”
With this verse in mind, I began to replace defensiveness with confessing—first, confessing to God, then, confessing and apologizing to my husband.
Ask for God’s Help Daily to Resist Defensiveness
God expects us to turn to Him for the strength needed to overcome and replace any sin in our lives. We can’t simply avoid or resist it, without turning it over to the Lord for Him to empower us to do His will.
Here’s how I specifically began to pray for God’s help. I, first, asked God to open my eyes to when I was being tempted or, worse, already giving in to temptation. Second, I prayed for God to empower and motivate me to confess. Being so reluctant to come clean for so many years, I needed all the help I could (and can) get! Third, I asked God to enable me to choose His way instead of clinging to my “stupid” defenses and devices. These steps have become my practice and prayer since that day!
Accept the Awkwardness of Both “Change” and “Humble Confession”
It’s easy to let the tension and discomfort of doing new behaviors discourage and even derail us in our efforts. Satan works in situations like these BIG time.
Just consider how he tried to capitalize on this when Jesus fasted for forty days (Mt. 4:1-11). The evil one knew that not only would Jesus feel the discomfort of hunger, He would also feel the tension of breaking from His normal routine.
How much more vulnerable are we to this?
That’s why it’s incredibly important to remain alert to these tendencies, combating them with God’s word, as Jesus did.
Enlist the Support of Christ-like Accountability Partners
Not only can these partners hold our feet to the fire, motivating us to humbly confess and take responsibility, they also can help us to sharpen the skill of confession. The more we require and show ourselves to be truthful to our friends, the more we strengthen humility and transparency in our lives. It’s like we can practice in a safe, compassionate environment both before and while we’re learning to confess to our spouses.
Fast-forward to Today
I’m so happy to report that I’ve grown leaps and bounds in this respect since that day so many years ago. Both my spouse and I are now quick and thorough about confessing to one another.
Another bonus and blessing that God has brought from this transformation is that my husband and I feel so much more connection in our marriage! Confession has cut down on the number of arguments we have now too. And we didn’t need to learn some new communication skills to do this—other than letting our humble confessions tumble out. But oh, what peace God has brought to our marriage because of this small, yet significant change.
Are you in need of this kind of peace and transformation in your marriage and life? Then start working on even just one of these steps I’ve outlined above. I promise you’ll begin to feel those defensive walls crumbling around your feet, clearing the way for the best possible connection in your marriage!
Do you want your defensive walls to come crumbling around your feet, clearing the way for the best possible connection in your marriage? Join us on Embracing the Unexpected. #defensive #relationships Share on X
Beth Steffaniak is a pastor’s wife, author, speaker, marriage blogger, and life-coach. In her free time, and when the quarantine lifts, she loves to get together with friends to chat over a good cup of coffee. She also never turns down the chance to show off pictures of her grandson to anyone who will let her. You can connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. Also, consider subscribing to her blog, messymarriage, to gain access to more than 35 free resources!
We Have A Gift For You
If you are not on our email list, click here to receive your gift today.
All subscribers received their free packet in an email.
We would love to have you join our community.
Embracing the Unexpected | Maree Dee
Subscribe today and never miss a post.
To find a few of my favorite places where I might be sharing this post, click here.
Photos by ImmortalShots – Every day from Pexels
Oh yes, Nicki! When we see it in light of what God is doing in our hearts, it’s all worth the pain and bitter taste of humble pie! 😉 Thanks for stopping by to encourage, my friend!
So true, Jennifer! I love that verse and the truth that it promises! Thanks for stopping by!
I love this wisdom sweet Beth. I think we have all been there when God uses our poor attitudes to help confront the sin we are doing and boy it is quite a humbling process. But I love that God allows these messes for the betterment of His glory! xoxo
Nicki, Yes, God will surely use our poor attitudes. YOu are so right; it is a humbling process. Thank you for stopping by. Maree
Thank you Beth & Maree, transparency in relationships is not always easy, especially when there has been baggage loaded into the marriage from past relationships… But it’s doable especially when God is the third strand of the cord 😉
Bless you,
Jennifer
You’re so right, Theresa! It truly is freeing when we admit we’re wrong to our spouses. I also love how you said that he already loved you so admitting your guilt only increased his good opinion of you! That’s truly something we always need to keep in mind when finding the courage to own our faults. Thanks for your insightful thoughts!
I think my husband and I were having the same argument because he said the same thing to me years ago. Which made me look at my heart. Defensiveness is a stumbling block to a relationship because if neither are wrong or have a part in the problem, no change or compromise occurs. Ouch. It was hard for me to begin to admit I was wrong, but also it was freeing. I mean, my husband already saw the glaring problems I was trying to defend and he already loved me. So admitting I was wrong didn’t diminish his good opinion of me, it raised it. Funny how that works, but we feel it will work the other way until we stop being defensive and start confessing. Great article. and tips.
Theresa,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I found it so helpful. I loved that you mentioned, “he already loved me.” What a good thing to remember. Maree
Thanks, Melanie! Your encouragement means a lot, my friend!
Such a great and practical post, Maree and Beth!
Thank you for stopping by!
That’s great, Brittany! We surely cannot do this huge and daunting task of being real, humble and apologetic without the support of good, trusted friends! Thanks for joining the conversation, my friend!
I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only wife who has been put in her place by her man, Laurie! Lol! Sometimes we need to be brave enough to call our spouse’s to be honest about their problem, and sometimes we need to brave enough to listen and admit our faults when we’re the ones who’ve blown it! Marriage takes a LOT of courage to handle and navigate well! Yes! Proverbs is chock full of ways we can respond more openly and more responsibly in marriage! Thanks for encouraging me and coming by Maree Dee’s place!
Oh, yikes! I am ashamed to admit that years ago, my husband and I had a similar exchange. I had to take a good, hard look at myself and admit that he was right! I have since read the verse from Proverbs and applied it to my own behavior. Making ourselves vulnerable to change is never easy, and I can’t say that I have completely mastered this change, but I am on my way there. Obedience, humble confession, and transformation are hard work but so worth it!
Laurie, Thank you for sharing. You have encouraged me to take a look inward and see what changed I could make. Maree
This is so convicting. I completely saw myself while reading this. I am definitely surrounding myself with people to hold me more accountable, and checking in with God on an ongoing basic to check my prideful spirit.
Brittany, I am so glad that Beth’s post spoke to you. I have to admit I resisted it at first but slowly getting a little willing to look within. Maree