What if I told you I had a specific skill in my tool belt that could enhance your relationships with others? Would you be willing to shift your old behavior to a new relating tactic? Join me in learning what it takes to be a better friend.
I call this skill the “Magic Love Language.”
It can help another person feel understood, loved, and significant when done correctly. After all, isn’t that what we all want?
Let’s face it; holidays can add stress for everyone.
Relationships sometimes take a big hit during this time of year. Wouldn't you like to minimize the arguments, get along better with everyone, and help those hurting feel loved and accepted? #relationships Share on XWhen you love someone who struggles with their emotions or is highly sensitive, it may be extra difficult for them during the holidays. You want to help, but your words never quite bring a calm over their distress. Using this “magical love language” may fill the gap and help minimize some of the difficulties.
This skill is called validation. However, in our family, validation is known as a language.
It may sound simple, and right off the bat, you are saying, “oh, I do that.” But wait a minute read on just a little further. Like me, you may be surprised at what a little tune-up on this skill might bring. You may end up being a better friend, parent, spouse, or communicator. You will bring more peace into your life during the holidays and all year long.
Validation was first introduced to me as a language my loved one desperately needed. I thought, “No problem, I got this.” After all, I felt I was pretty good at it.
But then it became quite apparent I tend only to validate when someone else’s feelings or thoughts make sense to me.
Aha – Anybody like me?
When Feelings Don’t Line Up
When the other person's feelings don't line up with what we think they should be experiencing, we many times fail to validate. This failure results in a significant disconnect in the relationship. #validation Share on XIt wasn’t unusual to find me trying to convince others to see things my way. It seemed logical if the other people could get the facts right, surely they would change their feelings and thoughts.
My method of doing this was a bit annoying. I would over-explain things to my teenage daughter about a million different ways in hopes she would see it “My Way.” The results were always the same; we would go back and forth, tears, and screams until I got a nod, which meant, “I will give in, so I don’t have to listen to you anymore.” Neither one of us ever felt heard or loved.
A conversation might look like this –
“You can’t be cold; it’s 75 degrees in here. That’s absurd. Go look at the thermostat.”
As if looking at the thermostat would somehow make the cold feeling go away.
Why not offer a blanket instead?
Or what about when someone says, “You never do anything for me, you must not care.”
Oh boy, this is where we want to list off the last 100 things we have done. However, this approach never quite reaches the other person’s heart or gets to the underlying issue. Isn’t it more relevant to uncover why they don’t feel loved.? After all, don’t we all want to know the other person cares about us?
It is so easy to dig our heels in and get stuck on being right.
Validating Isn’t About Being Right or Wrong
When we search and acknowledge the truth in what another person is feeling, thinking, or wanting – they feel validated and loved. Don’t we want the people we care about to feel this way?
But before I sound like an expert, let me tell you I struggled big-time to learn this skill. It wasn’t until I desperately needed to validate my feelings did I finally get it.
The Struggle Was Real
One year I found myself working hard to become the parent my children with a mental illness needed. But I couldn’t grasp how to validate feelings that I thought someone shouldn’t have.
Frustrated and Ready to Give Up
So one night, after a frustrating day of me being unable to connect with someone I loved. I collapsed into bed from exhaustion, feeling like a failure. I tossed and turned, thinking slumber would never come.
Then Something Unexpected Happened……
All of a sudden, I found myself running for my life. My heart beat so fast I thought it would jump out of my chest. I kept running and running and trying to find my voice, but the scream wouldn’t come out.
As the distance shortened between us, I recognized him. It was someone who had been like a father to me, but he had broken that trust when he physically hurt someone I loved. Would he hurt me? Would he catch me?
Abruptly, I awakened in a pool of sweat, my body shaking down to the core. I was scared out of my mind and trying to convince myself it was just a dream.
Fear Set In
For years I had suffered from nightmares and fear of this man. However, why now. This man had died years before and couldn’t hurt me or anyone I love. I couldn’t understand why this reoccurring dream was coming now, after all of these years.
As I pressed on to get ready, I couldn’t shake the overwhelming feelings. It brought me right back to the night when he tried to hurt someone I loved, and I stopped him.
The Feelings Wouldn’t Stop
My hands shook, tears welled in my eyes as I tried to move on with my day. I began to rationalize and say to myself, “Maree, it is absurd for you to feel this way. You should not have these feelings; He can’t hurt you.”
But it didn’t help ease the pain or the fear.
Then all of a sudden, it was as if a light bulb went on. It didn’t matter if my feelings were “right” or made sense. The point was I was feeling the fear, and I desperately needed to validate myself to ease the distress.
The last thing I needed was me or anyone else telling me the feelings were not rational.
Of course, it makes sense my bad dream brought back the old feelings of a frightening experience when he hurt someone I loved. As I began validating myself, the distress went away, and I could see the picture more clearly.
I finally understood the value of validation.
What Validation Means
Validation is not about being right or wrong, nor what we should or shouldn’t feel. It is about meeting yourself or someone else right where they are.
In a simplified version, it is a way to say, “Hey, I see you, and you matter. What you feel, think, or experience is important to me, and I am paying attention. I will be a safe person to share with.”
What Might You Validate?
Validate anything someone is thinking, feeling, or wanting. Find a little bit of truth in what another person is saying and confirm it.
How to Validate
1. It will require you to listen with all your heart and mind. Ask yourself, “What feelings are being displayed or expressed?”
2. Try to see things from the other person’s vantage point, not yours.
3. Remember, this is someone you care about, and they are worth loving. Let love be your motivator.
4. Take a non-judgmental stance. Acknowledge someone else’s feelings without deeming them right or wrong.
5. Be fully present with your words and with your actions.
“We can’t underestimate the value of validation.”
—Marsha Linehan
Why Validate
- It is a powerful way to connect with other people.
- One feels as though they belong when supported.
- Trust will build in the relationship.
- It shows you care.
- Escalation will most likely decrease.
- Both parties will benefit.
- We all have a deep need to be heard and understood. It feels good.
Jesus is our Example
Jesus was fantastic at validating others. When Lazarus died, Mary arrived and stated the obvious, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” She then began weeping.
Jesus was moved by the grief his friends were experiencing. He understood and felt their pain even though he knew Lazarus would be raised from the dead. He loved them deeply.
By weeping, Jesus validated their emotions. He put himself in their shoes. Click here to read the entire story in John 11: 1-43.
Will you be the hands and feet of Jesus this holiday season to those around you? #Jesus #validation Share on XValidation Can Bridge the Gap
People often don’t feel safe or cared for even though they are. Validation can help bridge that gap. By using this skill repeatedly, you will find it turns into a smooth, natural response. Start small.
Is validation difficult? Sometimes. Impossible? Not at all. Let love be your motivator. #validation #loveothers Share on XAs you become a better friend, your relationship will deepen, and everyone will benefit. But don’t take my word for it. Give it a whirl this week and practice with those you love.
Will you choose to be a better friend?
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness Community
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness is a Christ-centered online community for people who care for someone with a mental illness. We have four unique ways for caregivers to participate. You choose what works best for you.
Click here to discover four unique ways for caregivers to participate.
Upcoming Talk: How to See Your Hidden Blessings as a Caregiver
Caregiving can be one of life’s most challenging roles. Yet, in the midst of the difficult moments, unexpected blessings are often waiting to be discovered.
That’s why I’m excited to invite you to a special talk titled “How to See Your Hidden Blessings as a Caregiver” with Maree Dee, founder of Embracing Faith & Mental Illness. Maree will share insights from her journey, offering practical wisdom and heartfelt encouragement to help you shift your perspective and find hope in caring for someone with a mental illness.
Intentional Christmas Love
There are so many beautiful opportunities for us to be the hands & feet of Jesus during the holiday season! I am specifically praying for divine opportunities, opened eyes to see them and the courage to engage them.
Tweeted.
Thanks for linking up at InstaEncouragements! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Such a good idea to pray for divine opportunities. I am going to add that to my prayer list. Merry Christmas to you too. Maree
good stuff. pinned
Thank you!!!
Hey, I see you, and you matter.” This is a great post, one to put into practice. I know how badly I just want to be heard at times. I don’t want counsel, I don’t want to be coach, or told what to do, I just want to be listen to. We do a ton of listening in our minister as Member Care Reps for our mission so we have learned so much about listening. I think because of what we do some think we don’t need to be listened to. It’s hard to find someone who will hear my heart and know exactly what or if to say anything back. Most of us, me included want to give our own experiences when we listen as if that is the answer to that persons issue. It takes courage to listen and not try to fix others. Only Jesus can fix but we can listen with His help. Again good post.
I love what you said, “It takes courage to listen and not try to fix others.” I especially find it difficult with family members. Thank you for adding your wise words. I would love to know more about your ministry. Blessings, Maree
This is beautiful advice, Maree Dee! I’ve never thought about validation this way before. I, too, struggle with people that I think are whiney…but I need to learn to validate them instead of feeling hostile. Thank you.
Anita, Thank you! Try it; it works magic. I hope you have a blessed weekend. Maree
These are some wise, wise words, my friend! Validating one another’s feelings can go a LONG way toward bridging the communication gap, in our friendships. And yet I admit, I’m not very good at it. Lord help me!
Thank you for giving me a swift kick in the butt! I need to lay down my pride and embrace the humility found within these words today..
Bless you!
Rachel, Even though I hit the publish button, I still need help in this area. It is not always easy to do but so worthwhile. Maree
Oh, wow. This is a powerful message, Maree! Validation is such a gift to give, and such a gift to receive. I definitely am aware when I do NOT get validation, as much as I appreciate when I do get it. May I be more aware this week to validate others’ feelings, whether or not I agree. Thanks.
Yes, Lisa, you are so right it is a gift worth giving and receiving. Maree
It truly is amazing how validating someone can calm the very concerns they hope we will hear and see, Maree. I know this communication technique and the value it brings, but struggle in moments of conflict to always use it. It’s always so tempting to defend or resolve the problem instead of just being with someone in their struggle. I love that you used the story about Jesus weeping. He certainly knew how to validate, didn’t He?! Thanks for this! I’ll be pinning!
Oh, you are not alone it is hard to remember in moments of struggle to validate. Yes, Jesus was an amazing validator in so many ways. Hope you are having a great week. Maree
What I do for my job is all about validating a person’s feelings. I don’t really have as much option to not validate as I work for a crisis chat line. This got me thinking how I need to handle my family members with the same amount of validation….awesome, thanks for getting me to ponder thoughts!!
April, I know exactly what you mean. When it comes to my husband, I seem to forget about validation. I know it is great in all relationships. Thank you for working for working for a crises chat line. It warms my heart to hear about people willing to help others. Maree
Thanks for sharing, Maree. This is a skill that could truly improve relationships. Blessings to you!
Boma, Yes, it has been a great skill for all of my relationships when I use it. Maree
I also struggle with validating something I find it difficult to relate to – this is such a good reminder 🙂
Hi Emily – I am so glad you found this a good reminder. It is hard when we can’t relate, but I try to make it a journey to seek the truth in what another is saying. The problem is I have to slow down to do this and not react but respond. Maree
Thanks for your post, Maree. Three of my children struggle with differing levels of anxiety and this is so helpful.
Helena, I too have three members of my family who struggle with anxiety. Validation has been a lifesaver. I don’t always use it but when I do it makes a difference. Maree
What new and fresh insight! I love the powerful thought that validation is meeting the person right where they are. And, yes, Jesus modeled validation to us over and over in His ministry on earth.
Amen! Jesus is such a great example. Maree
Maree, I love this post so much. I, too, try to convince others to see it my way too often. What a powerful story about learning to be a better friend, mom, and wife. Thanks so, so much for sharing this!
Thank you for stopping and by and leaving such an encouraging word. It was good to hear I am not the only one who tries to convince others to see things my way. I think it is the accountant in me where 1 + 1 does equal 2. Life is not that simple! Maree
I have a feeling that on that frustrating night when you collapsed into bed, you whispered your frustrations to God. Maybe asked him for help. That terrifying dream was just what you needed though, to be able to better understand and have more empathy for your child struggling with what seems irrational. I have anxiety and panic attacks and people often don’t understand. Some days I don’t understand. But it doesn’t make it less real. Thank you for encouraging others to validate rather than mock, or brush off. A wonderful post, I’m sharing on Pinterest. Visiting from Purposeful Faith Link Up.
Thank you for your post. I have no doubt it was God pointing me in the right direction. He knew what it would take for me to open my eyes. I am sorry you suffer from panic and anxiety. I don’t, but my loved ones do, and I have watched them suffer. It isn’t fun and then when others add to it with their lack of understanding it makes things harder. I may not understand what it feels like, but I try to offer acceptance, understanding, and validation. I don’t always get it right, but I keep trying. Blessings, Maree