Do your words sometimes echo mine, “God you’ve got to be kidding? Are you going to give me one more thing to handle? You built me strong and courageous, but this just may be too much.” I remember a day last October was one of those days.
On that particular day, I experienced the kind of things that tear at your heart, exhaust you and bring you to your knees. To name just a few; our sweet dog had to be put down, two people I loved were clinging to life, and to top it off I was attending a suicide prevention class. In that class the lovely woman I sat next to choked back tears as she shared with me her tragic loss of her grandson. The sorrows kept building inside of me that day. What a year of losses, oh my, what a lifetime of losses!
At that moment I pleaded, “Please God, not one more thing today, I can’t take it!”
But of course, that one more thing did happen and here is how it went. That evening I found myself in the ER with my husband. His blood pressure was sky high. Rushing to the hospital with worries an imminent heart attack or a problem with his carefully placed stent were at hand.
The ER was dark and overcrowded; I could smell and feel the sickness all around me. After finding a seat, the woman slumped in the chair next to me began frantically pointing towards the wall. I wanted to help, but I couldn’t figure out this woman’s need. I felt inadequate; like a failure. My heart broke as her husband spoke with such tenderness, as he explained she just had surgery and started chemo today. She was exhausted, sick, and no beds were available.
We all sat in a makeshift waiting room waiting, waiting, and waiting.
As I watched the clock ticking; minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, I grew very weary. Finally, we were called to journey down the long corridor looking for an available bed. I kept my feet moving step-by-step trying so hard to block out the many awful memories of this place.
Oh, how I didn’t want to go down memory lane that night. I was tired, I was spent, and my heart was already breaking from the build-up of losses to come and losses already felt. But as we moved on, I looked to the left and saw the room where my oldest child had spent a great deal of time. I could almost hear the heart monitors, hooked up to her and feel the fear we had felt those days when we thought something was terribly wrong with her heart.
Begging God, as I walked along, “Please don’t take us through those doors at the end of the hall, for that room is where terrible memories remain.” Of course, we went right through the doors to an available bed. Trying hard with all I had to concentrate on what was at hand, but my eyes began to dart around the room, and the memories crept in.
Looking to the left at two beds I remembered another awful night when my other child fought for her life. I knew exactly where I had stood as the doctors and nurses worked so hard to make sure they could save her. I remembered the struggle and then her falling into a deep sleep. That night the clock ticked ever so slowly as I waited for her beautiful eyes to open.
So many ER visits, stitches, heart monitors, seizures, and yes even I occupied a bed at one time. Bad bad memories! That night I kept telling myself; I can handle this just grab tight to God’s hand, breathe, and push those thoughts away.
Then that one more thing happened that brought me to my breaking point.
The screams began from a distant bed. “You f……… idiot. Don’t touch me! You can’t do this to me! My mom doesn’t want you touching me! You f… moron!” And on and on it went. Oh, those familiar sounds of a Psychiatric Ward were ringing through the ER. They were loud and on fire. They penetrated my heart to a spot I just couldn’t linger in. I could not take one more memory or heartache. It was enough for one day. I had nothing left to give.
So with pangs of guilt leaving someone, I love behind; I ventured home. God clearly spoke to me on my drive; reminding me I must take care of my humanness or I am of no value to others. Through tears, I listened to God and allowed him to comfort me.
He whispered in my ear, “Trust me.”
Yes, God built me strong and courageous but not strong enough. God loves to remind me; I need him and that I must put on my oxygen mask first before helping others.
As my head hit the pillow in the wee hours of that morning, I knew God had this whether I felt it or not. Clinging to God, believing he would take good care of “me”. I could face whatever was before me.
In the morning I was refreshed amazed at what a little self-care like sleep can do. I drove to the hospital, and to my surprise, the ER had taken on an entirely new look in my mind. I could now see each memory with new eyes.
God had always been with us,
he saw us through each and every one of those events. Yes, it was difficult, yes, it was painful, but those events led to the new beginning of healing and restoration. The ER saved and gave me back my wonderful family members one event after another.
I was reminded that night God is in charge, not me. He has promised to be with each of us, every single step, but we must learn to lean on him. I have no doubt that he will continue to see us through whatever comes our way. However, we must remember to do our small part, which sometimes is just saying enough for tonight, I am going to sleep.
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Beautiful post. So touching and so relatable. I had a year like that in 2016. I call it “the year I broke.” Things were so bad and I was so fragile that I honestly thought that if someone jumped out and yelled “boo,” I would drop over dead. It’s been slow going getting out of it and I know that I’ll never be quite the same again, but I also know that God will work all this out for good someday, even if I never see it this side of eternity. Thank God that this life isn’t all there is, that the best is yet to come. An eternal “best.” Having that hope can get you through the hardest times. Thank you for your vulnerability and honestly in sharing your life with us!
Heather, Thank you for your encouraging comment. I am so sorry you had a year like that in 2016. I like what you termed it, “the year I broke.” For a while there each year seemed to get worse. My friend and I would always say on the first, “This is going to be our year.” It finally did happen for both of us.
However, this year has been pretty rough, but I keep my eyes on the eternal too. I love your encouraging reminder that the best is yet to come. I cling and believe that with all my mind and heart.
Blessings,
Maree
I am sorry for your day. I hate that God has to remind us of our limited strength at times, but I am glad you listened!
Sarah, Thank you — I am glad I listened to God that night and went home. I just need to get better at listening to a little sooner to his whispers. I hope you are having a great week. Maree
This is such an important reminder. Sometimes the best thing, the only thing, we can do is put on our own oxygen mask so we can take care of others. Yes, God is in control and his mercies are new every morning. Thank you for sharing at Grace and Truth last week. I would love to feature your post tomorrow.
Dawn – Thank you for featuring my post last week. I agree his mercies are new every morning. I love that verse. I just took a week off to put on my oxygen mask, and now I am rested and ready to go. I look forward to joining back up with the link up this week. Thank you for hosting. Maree
Maree- Problems seem to come all at once. I’m so glad you shifted your perspective in the way you looked at the hard times. God is always with us and He often uses those hard seasons to grow us.
Loved this post!
Visiting from #Faith’nFriends
Julie – Yes, God has a way of teaching us through hard seasons. It is a good thing we can’t see them coming because I am not sure I would stay put. However, afterward I can usually see the lessons, and I always come of it a better person. God knows what he is doing.
I hope you had a wonderful weekend,
Blessings,
Maree
Oh Maree, I’m sorry for the burden of that day. Sometimes it all comes at once- and then memories of all the other times or everything coming at once pile on top of that. Sleep can work wonders for helping us through it. God always works wonders (especially in our hearts) to turn all that horrible into good for His glory. Thankful for your testifying that He was always there with you- and for the wisdom shared here.
Thank you! This happened awhile ago. Of course, we know life could change in a minute, and I could be right back there. Yes, God does work wonders, and one of those is the ability to sleep well at night and start all over in the morning. Hope you have a fantastic weekend. Maree
Beautiful words spoken from the heart. As I read your post, I recall His words from Deuteronomy 31:6, “Be strong and of a good courage. Fear not, nor be afraid of them, for the Lord your God, it is He who goes with you. He will not fail you, nor forsake you.” He never leaves us. I’m happy to know He refreshes us each new day. Prayers to you and your family.
Robin – That is one of my favorite verses. I cling to it. Thank you for adding it to the comments for everyone. Blessings, Maree
Such a wonderful reminder of God’s sweetness with us. He knows that as moms and wives we will put everyone else ahead of our needs. As a mom of 6, sometimes He just hits the “off” button on me and I have no choice but to just lay down.
Wow, six kids – how wonderful! I am so glad God hits the stop button, and you get a little rest. Blessings, Maree
Waiting rooms and hospitals are hard places to be…your reminders of trusting God, even in the midst of pain and anxiety are important ones.
Debbie,
Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. I once had a friend remind me they are also places of healing. So true! Blessings, Maree
Yes, Maree Dee…it is so difficult to let go and let God take over when we feel like we must be there! But, I do agree and am working on doing this right now as I type this after reading a very hurtful, painful email from my estranged daughter with mental illness. I am choosing to trust God and remember that His mercies are new every morning…great is His faithfulness. He’s got this situation…and clearly, I don’t!
Janet — I am so sorry for your pain tonight. I am sorry for the painful email and that you are estranged from your daughter. That pain is so deep. I am so glad you have God in your life.
Remembering to put on ones oxygen mask…what a good analogy.
So simple but yet so difficult to do sometimes. Especially as parents when our children are in need.