Have you fallen into the perfectionist trap? Perhaps, you start out striving for excellence; after all—doing your best is a worthy and noble attribute. However, somehow you end up on the other side, reaching for perfection. It never fails to leave us disappointed, exhausted, and missing out on what God had in mind. Would you like to end this vicious cycle? Join us as we look at how to stop striving for perfection
When You Can’t See the Problem
The writing was on the wall, the people around me knew I struggled with perfectionism, but I refused to recognize it. God kept nudging me with unexpected experiences, like when my husband mentioned he wasn’t sure he believed in God during a Bible study we were hosting. I nearly fell off my chair, feeling humiliated instead of caring more about his heart. Or the time we had a live mouse caught in the dog’s whiskers, and I sent two sobbing children to bed as the doorbell rang. It was more important to me that my home appeared calm and tranquil than tending to their tender hearts. You can read both of those stories by clicking the title – “Are You Exhausted Trying To Reach For Perfection?” and “10 Clues You’re Striving For Perfection, Not Excellence.” Looking back, they are not my proudest moments.
Then God caught my attention with Martha in the Bible through a book called – Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World – By Joanna Weaver.
Martha and Mary
Martha was angry and wanted Mary, her sister, to help. It seemed reasonable to me until I uncovered all this striving isn’t always what is best.
But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:40-42)
Like Martha, my heart and mind sincerely want to please God. However, somewhere along the way, my pursuance of excellence was always turning into striving for perfection. This type of striving was leaving me exhausted, disappointed, and frustrated. It seemed as though I could never do enough or be enough. Have you ever felt this way?
As I diligently worked through this book, poring over the words and lessons, slowly but surely, I began seeing my tendency towards perfectionism. But beyond seeing the problem, my eyes were opened to what I was missing. God had more in store – a better life filled with more joy. With the help of some wonderful women in my small group, I started making some minor changes, however nothing too significant until I felt the rug pulled right out from under me. As our family entered the world of mental illness, I quickly discovered there was no way to keep up the illusion of perfection.
When the Unexpected Visits
Mental health challenges are not neat and tidy, nor do the symptoms work on a schedule that fits a timetable. #mentalhealthchallenges #caregiving #perfectionism Share on XBeing thrown into a world that I never expected nor understood, it quickly became apparent, striving for perfection would be impossible. Plus, pretending life was perfect could only cause more profound pain for those I love. Not only would I need to learn to accept my situation, but admitting my imperfections would be paramount. Plus, learning to let go of the facade I had it all together was a necessity to receive the support I desperately needed.
We need to replace the desire to do things the right way by letting things be good enough. #goodenough #perfectionism #lettinggo Share on XIt was a matter of survival, not just for my sake but for my children, marriage, friendships, and the places where I served. I had no problem making my children a priority. And like many moms, when your child is hurting, you do whatever it takes. The issue came with the fact that I could no longer keep up with striving for things to appear perfect in other areas of life.
Of course, at first, I felt overwhelmed. How would I honor my commitments? After all, I am not a quitter. How would I keep things to the standard everyone had grown accustomed to receiving?
The grief, worry, sadness, struggle, skill learning, and caregiving consumed my time. My child was my priority! I no longer had the time nor cared whether I had carved the watermelon into a perfect fruit bowl for a party.
Why is that sometimes it takes a real shake-up to see where we need healing?
People Matter Most
People matter more than getting things just right. We must preserve our strength for what is most important. When we waste our time striving for perfection in the middle of the unexpected, we will run out of energy. #lettinggo… Share on X
Perfection is Unattainable
You may not know the challenges of mental illness, yet we all find ourselves in overwhelming circumstances at some point in life. When that happens, the way you used to do things may no longer be possible, and a new way of life emerges. However –
Even when you are not smack dab in the middle of the unexpected, perfection is unattainable and will only leave you missing out on God's priorities. #perfection #perfectionism #God Share on XA Weakness, Not a Strength
Circumstances sometimes force us to recognize that what we thought was a strength is a weakness. When this happens, it will call for a new way to embrace the unexpected in life. One can’t live in the past and capture all the moments you missed while striving for something that was never attainable. Although we can start right now letting go of perfectionism and living the life God has for us.
HOW TO STOP STRIVING FOR PERFECTION””’
Gain an Understanding
Learn about perfectionism. It looks different for all people. Look for clues like feeling empty or as if nothing you do will ever be quite good enough.
Accept Your Struggle
One must first recognize they have a problem to elicit change. If you are not sure, be brave and ask those around you for a little input.
Do the Opposite of Perfect
Instead of reaching for perfect – do the exact opposite. If you think china is necessary for an elegant dinner, try paper plates.
Take a Chance
Start something you have always wanted to try but wouldn’t because you were afraid to fail.
Practice Gratitude
Start a gratitude journal focusing on what you have to be thankful for instead of what isn’t perfect.
Love Yourself as You Are
Learn how to value yourself by practicing self-validation. Do not rely on the outside world to determine your worth.
Seek God’s Voice
Be sure you are spending time listening to God’s voice. He has already deemed you worthy as you are. He loves you.
Choose to Stop Striving for Perfection
Commit to finding little tricks or ways to stop yourself before you launch into reaching for perfection. One method is to limit the amount of time you will spend on a task. Set a timer, and when it goes off, your work is done.
Let Good Enough – Be Enough
Remember, perfectionism robs you of the life God intended. Share on XIt took unexpected circumstances to see that letting go of “perfect” was a better way to live. Oh, don’t get me wrong – I will always struggle with perfection to some degree. I will always be a work in progress. But I know there is a choice when I see the warning signs.
Remember, we don’t have to let go of who we are and what makes us unique. It is okay to pursue excellence in what we do. However, we must recognize when our pursuit is taking us down the slippery slope of striving for perfection.
As you begin to let go of the need to be perfect – you will find life holds more joy, freedom, and less frustration than you ever imagined, even if you are in the midst of the unexpected. My guess is you will begin to like yourself better, and those around you will find your presence more pleasing. Listen to God’s whispers. He will let you know what is most important and how to stop striving for perfection today.
How do you stop yourself from striving for perfection?
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I can not express how much I love this post. After suffering medical issues and being faced with the inability to do things I used to do, I have so struggled with not being able to achieve the “perfection” I thought I needed. I co-host the FAITH AND WORSHIP CHRISTIAN WEEKEND link party. I would love for you to join us there for Christian fellowship. You can find it over on my blog, Grace for a Gypsy
Ahh, Thank you for your kind words. I am so glad my post spoke to you. I am so sorry for your medical issues. I bet you have lots to say about striving for perfection. It’s amazing how when our abilities are taken away, we notice what is most important.
Thank you for the invite to join your link-up. Right now, I am pulling back from linking with other link-ups as I try to work on a book proposal and concentrate on the holidays. I am solely participating in our Grace & Truth Link-up on Fridays until I get this project done. I want to be able to read and participate. I am going to save your website and look into it in the new year. Thank you for letting me know. I hope you will join us.
Maree
thank you for these very practical and tangible tools to think through for gaining a right perspective on our own mental health. I read that book my Weaver several years ago, it was so good…you have inspired me to pull it out again! 🙂
glad i found you through crystalstorms.me link up!
Mariel, Thank you for stopping by. I am so glad you did. You have inspired me to pull out the book too. Maree
Love this article, as there is a lot that I identify with – thank you for sharing so honestly.
Sharon, Thank you for stopping by and reading. Maree
Mares, this article is so relevant. As women I think we can fall into the perfectionist trap. I truly appreciate the connection you draw to people being most important. We can get too focused on how we appear to others and lose perspective. I found the section How to stop striving for perfection especially helpful.
Donna,
Thank you for your kind words. I am so glad you found this article relevant. It is always a choice to keep reaching for perfection or draw closes to those that matter. Happy Fourth of July! Maree
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing such wisdom.
Thank you for stopping by and reading. Maree
We have to remember that most of the time done is better than perfect. I know I’ve fallen into that trap both at work and at home over the years. I am finally learning to just do things as best I can and move on.
Tracey,
I am going to have to write than one down, “done is better than perfect.” I needed to hear that this morning. I need to do something that seems too hard. However, I am going to give it my all and let it be finished.Thank you for adding to our conversation. Maree
Maree
I think trying to be a perfectionist, which in my early days I tried to be, is more works based and appearance based than grace based. When I think I need to do all the work, that is clue number one.
Theresa – You have such wisdom in your words. I agree it is “work and appearance-based, not grace-based.” I love your clue. A light bulb has gone off in my head over something I am struggling with right now. Thank you for sharing today. I needed to hear your thoughts. Maree
“Let good enough be enough.” That’ll preach! Perfectionism gets the best of us at different times. We want everything to be perfect…just right, yet nothing ever is no matter how hard we try. I think examining “why” is a great way to get past perfectionism. Why is it so important? Is it because I need to keep up a facade? Is it because of something I was told in my childhood? Who am I trying to please? Am I seeking validation that I’m good enough? Thanks for the steps to move beyond it.
Yvonne,
I agree to know “why” will help to stop this useless pursuit. I loved hearing your take on perfectionism. Thank you for joining the conversation.
Maree
This is the second post on perfectionism that I’ve read this week…maybe God is giving me a gentle remindner!
Anita – I’m never quite sure if I like it when that happens to me. Thanks for stopping by. Maree
Having 7 kids, even though they were spread out, I had to let go of perfectionism. My kids came first above the housework, etc. My problem now is getting rid of clutter, but I guess perfectionism can rear its ugly head there, too, by making think it all has to be done now so everything will look nice. I know there is a balance and that’s what I need to find. Blessings to you, Maree! I’m your neighbor at the #LMMLinkup.
Gayl, I had no idea you had seven children. Wow! Yes, one would quickly need to drop perfectionism. Yes, clutter would be an issue with such a big family. Thanks for stopping by. Maree
I never knew how much I was striving, and not just as a perfectionist. God’s way is perfect, so I had to stop striving, and be still, and cease striving is another translation of Psalm 46:10.
Excellent thought. Thank you for sharing. Psalm 46:10 is my life verse. Maree
Amen, Maree Dee! I especially like your tip to practice gratitude! That’s one I’m focusing more energy on lately and I can see it shifting my perfectionistic ways in subtle but very real ways. Love the infographic too! Pinning and tweeting, my friend! Great post!
Thank you!! I love your encouragement. What is strange is perfectionism creeps up on you if you aren’t careful. Thank you for stopping by. Maree
This is a great post! I definitely used to be a perfectionist but gradually I’ve become better at showing myself grace and accepting that things don’t always have to be perfect.
Lesley, I am right there with you. It is so freeing to let go of perfectionism. Maree
Thank you for sharing your story so transparently and for encouraging us with what the Lord has taught you about perfectionism.
Blessings,
You are so welcome. It is a journey. Maree
Love this post Maree! Pinned and tweeted. 🙂 Perfectionism is such a stress maker! It’s so nice when you can allow yourself not to have to be perfect! Thanks for linking up at InstaEncouragements!
Patsy, Thank you for sharing my post. It is nice when we let go of perfectionism and be who God created us to be. Blessings, Maree
Thank you for sharing so personally. I am a recovering perfectionist who has learned to let go of a lot of over the years, but it wasn’t easy and I still fall back into perfectionsism sometimes. The area I struggle with is loving myself as I am. I’m a slow learner but God is working on me.
Mary – You are in good company. I too am a recovering perfectionist. It is so easy to fall back into perfectionism, isn’t it? I have to use little tricks, so I don’t, like setting a timer when I am working on something. I hope you continue to learn to love yourself. I think you are pretty amazing. I love reading your post and your website. Blessings, Maree
These are PERFECT tips! Thanks for sharing at the #LMMLinkup. Printing. 🙂
Brandi – I am so glad you found the tips helpful. Thank you for letting me know. Maree
Great tips, Maree. I think I read that same book years ago, or one like it. I know having a child was wake up call number one that I was a perfectionist and I could no longer continue that job full time. Being a perfectionist, not being a mother LOL.
Theresa – I agree, being a mother kind of messes with attempting to be a perfectionist. Maree
I like the idea of focusing on what I have to be thankful for instead of what I did wrong!
Great post, Maree!
I agree! I honestly had never thought about gratitude helping with stopping perfectionism until I did some reading. I forgot to attach the website I found it on. I will try to add it this week. Blessings, Maree
I love how you said that perfectionism robs you of the life God intended. So very true. Thanks for these reminders, Amy
Amy – Thank you for stopping by. I am glad our minds think alike on perfectionism. Hope you are living the life God intended. Maree
Love these tips! I’ve always been a perfectionist, so I relate to a lot of what you are saying.
I need to repeat the “Let good enough be enough” often!
Shannon – We have lots in common. I actually have it pinned up in my writing room and on my phone.
This question caught my eye: Why is that sometimes it takes a real shake up to see where we are broken? I’ve been thinking about that a lot these days, and the only thing I can gather is that God meets us uniquely in the midst of pain and brokenness. Sometimes it takes months – years – to know how He has moved in our brokenness. I also love your tip to do the opposite of perfection. How perfect! 😉 I found you at Faith & Friends. Thanks for sharing!
Alison – Thank you for being brave and answering the question. I imagine it could be different for everyone. I love what you said, “God meets us uniquely in the midst of pain and brokenness.” As I ponder that statement, I find it so true.
Maree
Maree,
Perfections is a killer. I have suffered from it for much of my life. I love the printable. Something I can hang on my bathroom mirror so it’s the first thing I face every day.
Sheila – I am so glad you like my printables. Great idea! I need the daily reminder too. I better print them for my mirror. Hope you are doing well and having a wonderful summer. Maree
What a wonderful post, Maree! “I needed to preserve my strength for what was most important.” Don’t we all need that tattooed on our foreheads? Several of my family members struggle with depression and anxiety (and I deal with low levels of anxiety myself) so I understand the need to not spend our energies in the wrong places. I love your advice to “Do the opposite of perfect”! Thanks for sharing the link to my post, too. Blessings to you!
Lisa – Yes, with depression and anxiety all the more reason to save our energy for what is most important. I do have to say when I first started changing my ways some of my family didn’t like it. It was pretty funny. Thank you for stopping by and visiting. Maree
To answer your question, How do you stop yourself from striving for perfection…I don’t have an issue with that. When I was in the workforce, I used WordPerfect (dating myself, I know) for our word processing system and I was considered a Word Perfectionist as unused codes needed to be removed and everything just so. I’m long past that now. Not to say that I don’t produce work that is to my best ability, as I will read and re-read my drafts about 3 or 4 times before scheduling posts. But a perfectionist? No, I simply do my best in everything I do but I do not stress about it.
Stopped by for a visit from Salt & Light Link Up.
It sounds like you have it down. Doing our best is always a great quality to have and then to let it go and not be stressed is wonderful. That is my goal. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. Maree
great article
Thank you!
No mental health challenges are not neat and tidy and take their toll on you, your spouse, the siblings and just everyone – which is sad thanks for your encouraging words, hang in there, I personally gave up perfection after the fourth child who developed schizoaffective disorder in his late teens, this indeed helped me relax but not his siblings but they have come around and are supportive of him thank goodness
Yes, the challenges of mental health do take a toll on everyone. However, I have also found many blessings along the way. I like myself a whole lot better. I am sorry your son struggles with a mental health challenge but thankful he has a support system. It makes a difference as you know.