Do you often feel manipulated by a loved one with mental illness? Would you be willing to look at it from a new perspective? Today I am excited to introduce you to—Amanda Smith, LCSW. She is a friend, mentor, and encourager. Amanda has helped me learn new skills, understand mental illness, improve my relationships with those I love, and, most importantly, inspired me not to give up. Please welcome Amanda as she shares her personal and professional wisdom.

 When You Think You’re Being Manipulated

Guest Post by Amanda Smith

A mental health diagnosis always affects families. It’s not just the individual who suffers; anyone who cares about that person also experiences emotional pain.

It’s almost impossible to be supportive when the relationship suddenly feels unfair or when anger or resentment exists.

You may have been in a similar situation. As a therapist who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), I’ve also sometimes wondered, “What’s going on here?” “Why am I being treated like this?” When thoughts like this come up, it’s an important reminder to be curious about the cause of my client’s behavior.

While I think people suffering from mood, personality, or psychotic disorders can be manipulative, they also can be disrespectful to others in their communication. However, I believe the truth is often more complicated. Since I primarily work with individuals with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, it’s been helpful to me to ask questions such as:

Questions to Ask

1. What’s my best guess about this individual’s intention? Do they have a genuine desire to manipulate?
2. Does this person know how to speak to others or ask for something so others will take them seriously?
3. Is there something I could validate for us to communicate in a way where we both walk away feeling important and respected?
4. Do I have some responsibility for creating an atmosphere where communication errs on the side of being compassionate and clear?

Responding

At times it’s also been vital for me to be honest and say, “I know this is important to you, but the way you’re asking makes me want to avoid you.” “I hope you know that I’m on your side.” “I’m wondering how we got off track and what we need to do now.”

Partnering to understand misunderstandings and apologizing when necessary can help both of us to come to a place where disputes are less likely to happen.

Families Can Help

Family members can do something similar. Making a solid commitment to curiosity might be beneficial.

Try asking, “What happened?”

Rather than focusing on blame, say, “I think I’ve missed something and want to understand.”

Avoid saying, “How can you treat me this way after all that I’ve done for you?”

Don’t jump to making assumptions by saying, “I know that he’s trying to take advantage of me, and I won’t allow it.”

Is it manipulation?

I’m not often working with an individual whose true intention is to manipulate, but it does happen occasionally. When it happens, I establish limits about what I’m willing to do and not do. At the same time, I do my best to establish or maintain trust in the relationship. Threats are often made when the person feels desperate, powerless, or victimized. A trusting relationship—where both people are responsible for maintaining that trust—almost always decreases the likelihood that the person will be manipulative in their communication. It’s not necessarily the best predictor, but I’ve found that there’s often a lot of emotional pain and feelings such as guilt and shame behind what first appears to be manipulation.

A relationship where both people are responsible for maintaining trust—almost always decreases the likelihood that the person will be manipulative in their communications.

Of course, no relationship is perfect. Often, we benefit from letting go of the idea that there’s a “perfect” way to communicate at any given moment. Family members should be encouraged to do their best and focus on improvement rather than getting it “right.” They also should not insist their loved ones communicate in a way that they cannot yet deliver.

Do you often feel as though you are being manipulated? 

Amanda L. Smith, LCSW, is an intensively-trained DBT therapist living in Waco, Texas. She’s the author of The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner: 365 Days of Healthy Living for Your Body, Mind, and Spirit and The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families. In her spare time, she loves exploring the back roads of Texas with her husband, David. 

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