What is the Truth About Suicide? | Guest Kayla Stoecklein

When it comes to suicide, we hold onto so many untrue thoughts. Some we have picked up over time, and others we have made up in our minds. Today, let’s learn from my brave friend, Kayla Stoecklein, the truth about suicide by squashing a few myths.

But before we begin, let me share a little bit of how I came to know this courageous young woman. It all started about 17 years ago when I met Andrew Stoecklein on a mission trip when he was just a kid. He won my heart over when he stepped up to fit my overstuffed suitcase into the overhead bin. Since that day, he has always held a special place in my heart and my prayers.  

Over the years, I had the privilege of watching Andrew marry Kayla, become our lead pastor, and witness his love for God and his family. After a sabbatical, Andrew returned and started a conversation about mental illness at our church. He amazed me with his transparency about his struggle with depression and anxiety. 

Soon after Andrew’s return to his position, he took his life, and our hearts shattered into a million pieces. With determination and courage, Kayla has written a beautiful book about their love story and journey with mental illness, which ultimately led to Andrew’s suicide. She will not let her unexpected pain go to waste. Below is an excerpt from her book, Fear Gone Wild. 

Three Myths of Suicide | Written by Kayla Stoecklein

Myth #1: Suicide is an unforgivable sin.

This is a common misconception that’s been debated in religious circles for centuries. The theological framework for it was first introduced through the bishop Saint Augustine in his book The City of God. In the book, Augustine states several arguments against suicide, claiming that those who take their life into their own hands look away from God and commit murder. He justified this through his interpretation of the commandment “Thou shalt not kill” (Ex. 20:13 KJV). He considered suicide an unforgivable sin—a murder of self that allowed no room for repentance.

As this philosophy spread, suicide became regarded as a sinful crime. People who died by suicide were punished and even denied a Christian burial. Attempted suicides also had harsh consequences that could lead to punishment by excommunication. It wasn’t until the 1990s that the Catholic Church began to see suicide differently, and for the first time the catechism of the Catholic Church acknowledged, “Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide. We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for . . . repentance.”

I’ll be the first to admit that prior to Andrew’s suicide, I may have actually believed the words of Saint Augustine. I remember leaning over to my mother-in-law, Carol, in the hospital room and whispering through my tears, “Will he go to heaven?” She quickly reassured me, and I am confident now: our acceptance into eternity doesn’t hinge on how we die; instead it hinges on our salvation, our personal relationship with Jesus. I was relieved by her response and now confidently believe this to be true. Although Andrew’s life was cut short—and I truly believe suicide was not God’s plan for his life—I can rest knowing his salvation is secure and he is at peace in eternity.

Myth #2: Suicide is selfish.

The ripple effect of suicide is terribly destructive, but can suicide really be considered selfish? The main question I received after Andrew’s suicide was, “How could he do that to his family?” It’s a question I ask myself all the time because the Andrew I knew would never have wanted to cause me, the boys, our family, or our church pain. The Andrew I knew loved his life. He looked to the future and saw hope, not doom. There’s only one appropriate answer to this question that I can reconcile in my mind: it wasn’t him. His mind was sick, and I will never fully grasp or understand what those final moments leading up to the suicide were like for him.

As I have wrestled with this notion, I have also done research. The truth, I have found, is that the suicidal mind is in an altered state of consciousness, which causes significantly distorted thinking. Reality becomes blurred as the mind fixates on the idea that the suffering individual is a burden and won’t be missed. These toxic thoughts lead to isolation, and soon suicide seems like the only solution to escape unbearable pain.

Self-proclaimed “suicidologist” Edwin Shneidman coined the term psychache to describe this kind of unbearable psychological pain. In his book Autopsy of a Suicidal Mind, Shneidman described psychache as a pain that darkens life. A pain that is “unbearable, intolerable, unendurable, and unacceptable.” And in this type of pain, it becomes better to “stop the cacophony” than to endure the noise. Shneidman theorized that unresolved psychache results in suicidal behavior. Through his extensive research he discovered psychache to be the cause in nearly every case of suicide.

Andrew’s mind was broken, and he was in pain. I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around what those moments must have felt like. Imagine the torment and torture it must take for any human being to go against the human will to survive and ultimately die by suicide. Although there are times where I feel angry at Andrew, although I still have questions, he will never be able to answer, I do not blame him for his death. He was sick, his mind was overcome with pain, and his death is a tragedy.

Myth #3: If you truly believe in God you will never have suicidal thoughts.

Andrew loved God and ran to him in his depression. He filled his alone time with worship music. He spent time reading Scripture and sitting with God in prayer. Andrew leaned into his faith to carry him through some of his darkest moments. Just like Andrew, we see heroes of our faith struggle with the darkness of their minds all throughout Scripture:

• • David wrote in a psalm, “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” (Ps. 13:1–2 NIV)
  • Jonah, in his anger with God prayed, “Lord, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live!” (Jonah 4:3 NKJV)
  • Moses, in his feelings of disappointment and betrayal by his own people, cried out, “But now, please forgive their sin—but if not, then blot me out of the book you have written.”(Ex. 32:32 NIV)
  • Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, overcome with anguish, declared, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” (Matt. 26:38 NIV)

The difficulty of life sometimes takes a toll on our minds. Although we serve a God of miracles who is powerful enough to rescue anyone from the grips of depression or suicidal ideation, the truth is sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes those who are suffering feel much like David and are asking God, “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?”

The Wilderness

Even our darkest thoughts will never separate us from the love of God. He is with us in the wilderness, and he is with us as we wrestle with our brokenness. The Lord is with us as we ask the hard questions from our places of pain. He is with us as we fight to make it through each day. If you are silently struggling with suicidal thoughts and you are thinking about leaving for good, please fight to stay. I know your overwhelming pain is real. I have wrestled with thoughts of leaving this place and my pain forever too. But learning to live with the pain is possible. And building a beautiful life around the pain is possible too. To stay is a brave choice, maybe the bravest choice you will ever make. And if you can’t choose it for yourself, then please look around and choose to stay for the ones you love. They need you, we need you, and we don’t want to stay here without you.

Continue to wrestle, continue to fight, continue to push through one more minute, one more hour, one more day at a time. Let the breath in your lungs be a reminder of the grace that covers everything. It covers the darkness, it covers anxiety, it covers depression, and it covers suicidal ideation. His grace is how we all make it through another day. We are all broken people, we all carry pain, and we are all covered in the light of His mighty love. A light that is strong enough to pierce through every dark, confusing, and isolating place. A light that offers real, true hope—a lifeline light that reaches through our pain and leads us back to peace. You may feel completely surrounded by darkness, but I promise you, friend, if you look hard enough, you will find a glimmer of light, and maybe a glimmer is enough for today. You are not alone, you are loved.

Excerpted with permission from Fear Gone Wild by Kayla Stoecklein, copyright Kayla Stoecklein.

In August of 2018, Kayla lost her husband, Andrew—pastor of Inland Hills Church in Chino, California—to suicide. In the wake of the tragedy, she embarked on a brave journey to better understand his harrowing battle with mental illness and, ultimately, to overcome the stigma of suicide.

With a clear-eyed acknowledgment of how misguided and misinformed she was about mental illness, Kayla Stoecklein shares her story in hopes that anyone walking through the wilderness of mental illness will be better equipped for the journey and will learn to put their hope in Jesus through it all.

Kayla can be found rebuilding beautiful on her Website – Kayla Stoecklein and Instagram

Fear Gone Wild is available for purchase here. 

Maybe you are reading this post and struggling with thoughts of suicide. Please know you matter. Reach out to someone and share your pain.  Call the Suicide Prevention number at 988 or 1-800 – 273 – TALK (8255

Will you be ready to have a conversation with someone about suicide? Education is vital in helping to prevent suicide. 

Visit Our Suicide Awareness Page

September is Suicide Awareness Month—a time to raise awareness, break the stigma, and offer hope. Learn how you can recognize the signs, support those in need, and be part of the solution. Click to find a wealth of resources on suicide loss and prevention. Together, we can make a difference. Visit our Suicide Awareness Page for more information.

Suicide Awareness Page

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