Do you struggle to allow yourself joy when those around you suffer profoundly? You are not alone; this challenge is a common occurrence. Maybe their struggle is so intense that it feels inappropriate to show or experience happiness. Yet, when joy feels wrong in the midst of the unexpected, it is crucial to recognize that feelings are not facts.
When Someone You Love is Hurting
As a mother, I vividly recall the inner conflict I felt about permitting happiness to enter my day amidst my child’s pain. The weight of her suffering made me hesitate to embrace joy as if her pain dictated my emotional state. After all, if I couldn’t kiss away her, what gave me the right to experience joy?
Many of us desire to share in the pain when a loved one is hurting. However, sometimes, we take this sentiment beyond logic. #unexpected #pain Share on XPerhaps you can relate to your mother saying, “When you hurt, I hurt too.” I thought the comment was absurd as a child, though I now understand the depth and truth of the statement.
Watching my beautiful child suffer from mental illness robbed both of us of joy for a time and made me feel guilty for even considering happiness. The mere thought of smiling, laughing, or enjoying life felt cruel and taboo when she was void of these emotions. I pushed away with all my might feelings of joy with determination, believing it was the right thing to do in the midst of my loved one’s pain.
Smiling, laughing, and reveling in life can feel almost taboo when someone we love lacks such emotions. #joy #happiness #unexpected Share on XThe Joy of the Lord
Yet, I soon realized that trying to keep God’s joy at bay was impossible. I needed the joy of the Lord to strengthen me.
However, Happiness Felt Different
It felt right and within my control to ignore happiness. After all, I didn’t feel entitled to enjoy the little things in life, which made me smile.
Frequently, I would ask myself, “What kind of mom enjoys life when her child is suffering?” It didn’t seem right. However, later on this journey, I began to understand that an extraordinary mother finds happiness for the sake of her child.
Fight the Urge to Block Those Feelings of Joy
When joy feels wrong, fight the urge to block those feelings. Of course, this can apply to more than a hurting child. We all encounter situations where the weight of another’s pain is great and might make us want to halt our own happiness. Yet, doesn’t God want us to enjoy this life despite challenges? Isn’t it healthy? And won’t we have more to offer?
Our experience of joy and happiness is not a betrayal to someone hurting but a necessary part of life. #unexpected #joy Share on XAt first, I attempted to feign happiness, especially for the sake of my other children. Yet it wasn’t genuine, and they could see right through it. However, that didn’t stop me; I am a big proponent of faking it until you make it. One must start somewhere.
As the one who usually sees the glass half full, joy and happiness inevitably began to creep back in, which ushered in unbearable guilt. Have you ever felt guilty for feeling good?
Thank goodness for a God who spoke to me and never left me and for the people who were brave and wise enough to speak into my life. Together, we began to realize to travel this unknown road with mental illness; I needed all the joy and happiness I could find. Plus, joy is contagious, and our ability to model healthy emotions becomes a valuable gift to others.
The Power of Joy and Happiness
Attaining a perfect balance between pain and happiness is most likely impossible. Yet, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for more joy and happiness. These valuable emotions can give us strength and hope, allowing us to endure our struggles and give us the ability to help others well.
Joy strengthens us on hard days, and happiness can make us smile, which is good for the soul and energizes us. So why do we often deny these valuable emotions when surrounded by pain?
Of course, joy and happiness won’t erase our struggles, but they can help us endure the journey. #joy #happiness Share on XWhen we allow ourselves to experience joy and happiness, we benefit ourselves and have more to offer others.
Here are a few reasons to seek joy and happiness—
- Joy is contagious.
- By modeling healthy emotions, we can positively impact those around us.
- It brings us closer to God’s desire to experience joy in our lives.
- We need the joy of the Lord to sustain our journey.
- Happiness is not a finite resource; instead, it’s all around us—however, we need to pause and notice it
- We can feel multiple emotions at once without one canceling out the other.
In my post on Devotable, “When You Want Joy and Happiness,” I share why these two words are better viewed separately due to their different meanings. Society often uses them interchangeably, but knowing the meaning of each gives valuable insight.
Pain and Joy Can Coexist
Have you ever noticed how some people go through dire circumstances and never seem to lose their joy? Why? I believe it is because they chose it.
I glanced over at my friend with her cute hat on her head that kept her warm since her hair had fallen out. She smiled from ear to ear as she watched me play with her children outside. Then, all of a sudden, she stepped forward, wincing a bit but with grace, beauty, and strength as she stated, “Let me have a turn on the green machine.” It was a shaky riding toy that wiggled from side to side. She placed her feet on the handles and her bottom on the green seat and pushed with all her might.
We all broke out in squeals, holding back happy tears, knowing it took great strength to choose joy and happiness amid her great suffering. Yet, she mastered it, fueled all of us, and forever burned a memory in our hearts and minds.
It is Never Too Late
The good news is—it’s never too late to choose joy and happiness. We have an opportunity every day to choose wisely. Choosing joy is not a betrayal of those who suffer but rather an acknowledgment of our worth, and our ability to model healthy emotions becomes a valuable gift to others.
Perhaps in the midst of someone else’s pain, it will be a constant battle to feel worthy of joy. We tend to forget we are important, too. We must not let others’ pain interfere with our need for joy and happiness. And remember, by doing so, we can better offer our love and support to those we care about.
Do you allow the pain of others to hinder your ability to experience joy and happiness? Let’s choose to push aside those negative thoughts and embrace the joy that is waiting for us.
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Love this, Maree! Especially this line: “Choosing joy is not a betrayal of those who suffer but rather an acknowledgment of our worth, and our ability to model healthy emotions becomes a valuable gift to others.” It can be so hard sometimes to feel what I feel indepedently of what anyone else thinks or feels. Lovely post!
Ashley, Thank you for your kind words, Ashley. It always brings a smile to my face when you appreciate something meaningful in my writing. Your encouragement motivates me to keep writing. Wishing you blessings, Maree.
This post touched me. Instead of feeling guilt for experiencing joy in the midst of a loved one’s (or our own, for that matter) pain, the joy of the Lord can bridge the gap and provide encouragement and hope. I also believe that we always have a choice that can provide stability when all around us seems to be shaking. We have to remember that Christ is our solid rock, who walks with us, as our light, defender, and comforter.
Thank you for the beautiful and insightful post, Maree Dee. My prayers are with everyone who is either walking through a difficult season themselves and/or with a loved one. I wrote a poem yesterday that reminds me of elements of this post. I’ve shared it below.😊
Peace, Love, Life, and Vulnerability
Winds blow as the rain falls on white flower petals striated with crimson.
The strength and hardiness of the flower are put to the test by wind gusts exposing the pink underside of its petals.
Though tossed about, the flower stands determined to use the purity of the rain for nutrients and minerals to fortify its growth.
Jen, Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and beautiful poem with all of us at Embracing the Unexpected. I agree we always have a choice. Maree
I love this blog so much. I have often struggled with this and have never had anyone articulate it like you have. When I would feel joyful and a family member wasn’t I would feel guilty and feel the need to suppress it. Thank you for giving great advice on how to handle this the right way.
Oh, Dana, I’m so glad you left a comment. Your words brought me joy. It is a struggle to allow ourselves to feel joy when those around us are hurting yet so valuable to everyone. Blessing, Maree
A few years ago, I was on a quest to figure out how to live joy when your children struggle. I came to the same conclusions that you did. It took me a while to learn to give myself permission, to build those choose-joy muscles. Life is much sweeter now – and the impact of those joy choices have had the ability to do more than I ever imagined. It’s an intentional way of living. I am choosing joy along with you!
Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad you are choosing joy. You are so right it is an intentional way of living. Yet, it is still so hard at times when our children are hurting. Prayers for a joy-filled week ahead. Blessings, Maree
Choosing joy on this Friday morning!
I love that you are choosing joy. Maree
Choosing joy in the midst of our struggles is evidence of God at work in our lives.
I agree. Choosing joy is the best way to show God is at work. Thank you for sharing. Maree
A great post Maree, yes I often say the Joy of the Lord is my strength, for His strength is my Joy!
Blessings, Jennifer
Jennifer— I love what you say to yourself. I need to add that last part, “His strength is my joy!” Thank you for sharing with us. Maree
I’m so glad we can choose joy, Maree! May the Lord give us grace to ‘weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice’ by the power of His Holy Spirit.
Yes, we need God’s grace and power to weep and rejoice with others. Thank you for adding your wise words to the conversation. I’m taking them to heart today. Maree
Your post reminds me that joy is a fruit of the Spirit. To squelch it would be to squelch the Holy Spirit. And yet, when someone we love is suffering it does feel callous to have pleasure. Jesus was a man of sorrows and yet He also experienced joy. For the joy set before Him… Really good post.
Yes! Debbie, I love what you said about how squelching joy—“would be to squelch the Holy Spirit.” Such wisdom in your words. Thank you. I’m struggling to get out and find a little joy while my loved one is recovering at home. I needed your words. Blessings, Maree
I love this post. My word for 2024 is Joy!
Thank you, Rebecca, for your kind words. I love your word for the year. Praying you find an abundance of joy today and throughout the year. Maree