In my head, I screamed, Please, not again; I can’t listen to you talk about what might happen! It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help; after all, this is my daughter, whom I love dearly and would do anything in the world for her. But my support seemed to make things worse. I didn’t know how to help. Have you ever uttered those words or entertained these thoughts while trying to help someone with an anxiety disorder?
In the past, when it was evident my daughter was struggling with her anxiety, I would rush in immediately to offer comfort. She would start down a road of what-ifs. “What if I have some terrible disease? I might be dying?” What if I flunk out of school?” and on and on. These conversations were nothing new; we had the same discussions repeatedly with the same results.
At the time, I did not know what persistent worry was, which accompanies an anxiety disorder. Nor had I developed any skills to communicate in a way that would benefit both of us.
My desire to help was not enough!
My voice would start calm, loving, and kind, but after an hour, things would escalate. I don’t entertain uncertainty in this way, so to agonize over what might be is just not in my DNA. The words that rolled right off my lips were not helpful. “Just don’t worry. That will never happen. Go for a walk, you will be better. Think about something different.” Then, I would rub her back for comfort, but that would not work. I then would begin to unravel alongside her unraveling.
For my life, I couldn’t understand why someone would dwell on what might be instead of what is.
Of course, emotions would arise. Then hysterical crying would begin, and my voice would increase. Now, the calm mother with a desire to help turned into an exasperated mom who would stomp out of the room saying, “I’m no good for you when you’re like this, and I’m leaving your room.”
Then, from the other room, I would cry as I heard her hysterically sobbing. I would think to myself, I’m a failure because I can’t even comfort my child.
Together, we repeated this song and danced for years. These encounters always left us both exhausted. We seemed to find ourselves at a crossroads every time she needed to embrace her concerns, and I needed them to stop for me to feel okay.
Fast forward twenty years, and you will see quite a different mother-and-daughter interaction amid her anxiety. It isn’t perfect, but we have worked hard to find ways to meet in the middle and embrace her disorder. Below are a few suggestions that might help you interact better with someone who struggles with anxiety.
Eight Strategies to Help Someone with an Anxiety Disorder
Helping someone with an anxiety disorder can be challenging. However, with the right strategies and knowledge, you can support the person in your life struggling with this condition. Here are eight approaches to consider:
1. Designate a Time to Talk
Selecting a time benefits both of you; it allows everyone to approach the conversation in the right mindset. Be sure to consider (H.A.L.T.) whether anyone is hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. One other tip: Don’t attempt to problem-solve after 9 p.m.
2. Set a Time Limit
Establish how long the conversation will last to ensure no one becomes worn out. As a semi-non-worrier, I can only handle worry talk for 10 – 15 minutes without exasperation. Naming and labeling thoughts and feelings can help reduce worry and anxiety. Click here for more on embracing worry.
3. Be Present
During the conversation, stay focused on the current moment, eliminating distractions that may hinder progress. Remember, you don’t have to solve or eliminate the anxiety; your presence alone will help.
4. Seek Professional Help
An anxiety disorder is real, and seeking professional guidance can be a helpful way to find a supportive path for both of you.
5. Validate
Find the truth in what your loved one is saying and acknowledge it. Validation can often help reduce anxiety.
6. Practice Acceptance
Instead of trying to dispel the feelings, aim to accept your loved one’s anxiety and apprehensions.. Quit trying to convince the other person they “shouldn’t” be worried. I take acceptance a step further and practice radically accepting our circumstances. I do this by saying, “It is what it is.”
We may not understand or agree with the meltdown, but guess what? We are in it. Judging or fighting the anxiety won’t help. It will only leave us frustrated and worn out.
Remember—accepting the thoughts and feelings is not the same as agreeing with them. After all, isn’t that what God does? He accepts us right where we are.
As we become more willing to accept, we will become more willing to act.
7. Educate Yourself
Knowledge of the disorder brings greater understanding and empathy. Understanding what happens in someone else’s world can bring a fresh perspective and compassion. Click here for a link to resources. Learning coping skills and new ways to help and support my loved ones has been essential. Understanding what happens in someone else’s world can bring a fresh perspective and compassion.
However, remember, we still don’t know what it feels like to have an anxiety disorder, and we will need to accept the illness.
8. Self-care
Sometimes, this may mean taking a break and allowing others to step up and help. Remember who puts on their oxygen mask first in an airplane. You are important too!
Education, developing a skillset, and support from others, will allow us to help support someone with an anxiety disorder without becoming exasperated. We all can help in some way. Share on XMy daughter still has an anxiety disorder, and I still get agitated from time to time. However, using the strategies above helps.
What About God?
The Bible is clear: God has told us to release our hold on fear, worry, and anxiety and trust Him. I can see how someone with an anxiety disorder might take offense to someone sending them scriptures on worry. However, don’t miss the truths that are in these verses.
The Lord tells us to make it a habit of looking to Him, regardless of whether we have a disorder or not. I don’t believe these verses are meant to condemn but to help and serve as a reminder where we need to fix our eyes. However, it doesn’t mean the road will be easy or serve as a cure for an anxiety disorder.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (I Peter 5:7)
Will God Cure An Anxiety Disorder?
Miracles happen, and God can heal someone with an Anxiety disorder on the spot, like any other illness. However, that doesn’t mean He will. We can pray and pray, but He still may not heal. We do not know why God doesn’t heal in every situation, but prayer will help. Prayer will connect us to Him, and that relationship is what we need to persevere.
Healing can look different for everyone. Maybe it isn’t a miraculous healing but a slight, steady recovery. Or finding a medicine or skill that helps.
Lack of Faith
A person doesn’t have a mental illness because of a lack of faith or not praying correctly. And I am so sorry if someone has ever said that to you or your loved one. People get mental illnesses like cancer. An anxiety disorder is not their fault nor a failure in parenting.
God Love Us
The most important truth is that God loves us and has promised never to leave us. Whether you suffer from an illness or care for someone who struggles, rest assured God will not abandon you.
The Lord is With Us
God will be there in the dark places—He has promised He will never leave us. He loves every one of us. However, that doesn’t take away the pain here on earth, nor does it make it wrong to seek medicine, therapy, coping skills, support, and other methods to help us through. It is a process.
“Be Still, And Know that I am God;” (Psalm 46:10 NIV)
We may never know what it feels like to have an anxiety disorder. However, through educating ourselves, we can better understand what someone who lives with the disorder experiences. The good news is a slight change on our side can make a huge difference for everyone.
Do you have any tips for helping someone with an anxiety disorder?
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness Community
Embracing Faith & Mental Illness is a Christ-centered online community for people who care for someone with a mental illness. We have four unique ways for caregivers to participate. You choose what works best for you.
Click here to discover four unique ways for caregivers to participate.
Upcoming Talk: How to See Your Hidden Blessings as a Caregiver
Caregiving can be one of life’s most challenging roles. Yet, in the midst of the difficult moments, unexpected blessings are often waiting to be discovered.
That’s why I’m excited to invite you to a special talk titled “How to See Your Hidden Blessings as a Caregiver” with Maree Dee, founder of Embracing Faith & Mental Illness. Maree will share insights from her journey, offering practical wisdom and heartfelt encouragement to help you shift your perspective and find hope in caring for someone with a mental illness.
Hi Maree !
I struggled with severe anxiety disorder on and of….
The medications helped but then I have co-existing severe Major depression for so long….
I was prescribed different psychiatric medications and electric shock treatments to the brain. I almost lost my life and almost lost my mind.. But God …working through a brilliant psychiatrist stabilized my mind and my life with the right medications. What so many doctors could not do….God worked through this one doctor at Vanderbuilt hospital to restore my mind. That was in the year of 2011 and ever since then, I am doing well. I could have relapses during my trials and hardships that came out of nowhere..because the doctor warned me that my brain chemicals are fragile and cannot take anymore stress…But God carried me through the trials without any relapses.
Kalyani, Praising God you are doing well. I am so glad God worked through this doctor that helped you and your willingness to keep trying. You give us all hope to keep on trying. Blessings, Maree
Maree, so glad to have connected with you!
My adult son with acute anxiety and Aspergers is a Christian, as am I, so I tackle things a little differently.
I listen well, having had many years of practice. Both my sons can talk for many hours non-stop, incredibly fast, sharing vast accumulations of experiences and knowledge.
When I went on a car journey with one who lives overseas and I only see once a year, he talked for 8 hours, intensely,
The one who lives close to me, lives with his Dad, who has Aspergers and a personality disorder, and OFTEN provokes intense anxiety in our son, while being completely unaware he is doing so.
I have taught this son to pray the blood of Jesus between him and his Dad, so the enemy cannot get at him through his Dad.
I have taught him to bring his mind into captivity to Christ Jesus, and to pray for the peace that passes all understanding to come in, and guard his heart and mind.
He knows to pray to put on the armour, as in Ephesians 6.
His own coping strategies include going for strenuous walks for 2-3 hours,
using a variety of herbs which he dries and makes tea with; herbs he finds helpful.
Having me to listen is always the first thing, but he manages to not become suicidal often these days, by using prescribes meds,his herbal remedies, talking, walking and praying.
Mary, I am so glad you connected with me too. Thank you for sharing what works with your sons. I also am a Christian, and even though I don’t suffer from an Anxiety disorder, I make it a regular practice to put on the armor of God. I think it is wonderful your son has learned from you. He is lucky to have you to listen to him. Blessings, Maree
Dear Maree, I had the same issue with my mom, it has been 4 years since severe anxiety has become my daily battle, I had depression in the middle of it too, I am 24 years old and mom to vicky (3 y) and Josi (9 months) every time I had an anxiety or panic attack or started to show nervous worried and even angry everytime anxiety symtoms would be paralizing, my mom would come in and start desperately trying to calm me down but after a few minutes she would started yelling at me saying I was damaging my children, I was overreacting and a lot painful things, once I started isolating myself, not visiting my mom too much and run home when anxiety got really bad, our relationship started to improve. It is painful, I feel so alone, my husband cant help because he doesnt understand but it made me to depend more on God, I almost lost my second baby last year because of my anxiety attacks but God held us this long and I know he will keep being faithful. Realizing that the last few months helped decrease anxiety and I feel better now. It is hard, being a mom and living this way. But the more I know God and learn to trust Him, i can have moments of peace and when anxiety hits it is not so bad as before. I know it is hard for you as a mom, but your daughter is not able to think clearly when her mind is filled with anxiety so you must try to show her truth, when she start believing truth wich I found in the bible, all worries start to become smaller until they disapear. It will take time because it is an habit for her, but dont give up. May God give you peace and strength to keep going! Hugs from Argentina
You have no idea how much I loved hearing from you. Thank you for sharing a little bit of your struggle and what works.
Girl, you have lots on your plate with two little ones. I am lifting you up in prayer right now. What a blessing.
I hope those around you can learn to support you in a way that is helpful. It must be hard to deal with it alone. It took me awhile to learn, and I don’t do it great all of the time, but I try. Hearing from others that have anxiety has helped me learn to be a better support. Thank you for your wise words. I am so glad you have God.
Hugs back at your from Utah,
Maree
I found it pretty cool you are from Argentina.
I’m a worrier and so is my oldest. When she was in first grade, she held it all in until she couldn’t. After that night where she first started talking to me about her anxiety, she became much quicker at talking. I hope telling me always helps! Anxiety can be so isolating.
Sarah, She is so lucky to have a mom who will patiently listen. I know my daughter always says, “just being able to talk and get it out helps.”
Maree Dee, I really like the suggestion to set a time limit and a time. It does no one any good to get exasperated which I can do in such circumstances.
I know it was magical for both of us. It is so easy to get exasperated. I know I do.
I’ve been on both sides of this issue. Not with a serious anxiety disorder per se, but I am one who is prone to worry. Your eight strategies seem very good to me! Both to give and to receive.
Lisa – I am so glad you found them helpful on both sides. You might also like the post on “Five Tips to Embrace and Manage Our Worry.” It is so funny when I started on this topic I didn’t think I worried. It has become so evident we all worry, even me. I learned a great deal to help me manage my worry less. Thank you for stopping by. Maree
Thanks for these ideas! It’s so hard to know what to do, when you feel differently than the other person!
jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
#christianbloggerlinkup
This is so true. I always think what works for me will work for someone else. It doesn’t ever seem to work that way.
Maree,
Thank you for this helpful and honest post. I think your point about validating where you can and also knowing your own limits is so true. Blessings 🙂
I know I like to be validated from time to time. Don’t you. Thank you for stopping by. Maree
Maree,
Very informative post. Great job of bringing me in as a reader. One of my children struggles with anxiety. It can be frustrating. Your tips are helpful. It’s an exhausting cycle. Looks like your words touched many. Thank you.
Sheila — Thank you for your kind words and all of your help. I am so glad the tips are helpful, it really can be an exhausting cycle.
Thanks for sharing this, Maree!
Great post! I have struggled with anxiety, but I have never read it from the supporters role.
#FreshMarketFriday
Julie, Thank you for stopping by. Fist off sorry you struggle with anxiety. It can’t be fun. Any tips for supporters are welcome. Many times we want to help but just don’t quite know how.
So I just shared this on Twitter and now to FB with my readers, as I live with chronic depression and it often goes hand in hand with anxiety… what a great post, super honest and so practical. These tips are so doable and can apply to so many situations. I’m super glad to have come across your blog through #FreshMarketFriday!
Christine, I am so glad you came across my blog too. Thank you for sharing. Please do not hesitate to offer any additional words of wisdom. Maree
Thanks Maree,
Here’s the link to my taping on 100 Huntley Street about Anxiety and Depression:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTv63piz46I
I’m just working on a blog post about it and the questions I’ve received from people. Hopefully will be posted very soon.
Here’s the link to my friend’s site. The course is full but it will be offered again. http://sarah-e-ball.teachable.com/p/fearlesstraveler
Great connecting with you.
~Sherry Stahl
xoxo
Sherry,
Thank you! The video was well worth watching. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us at Embracing The Unexpected.
Maree
((Hugs)) to you and your daughter. Great list of tips. My 21 year old son struggles with anxiety and it’s heart-breaking. He’s finally getting to the point where talking can help a little in the moment, but mostly — we talk about it and I tell him all the wise/comforting/whatever things I know to say, but his mind is in “yeah, but” mode. Once he’s removed from the feeling some, I do think he hears the things we discussed play back in his mind some. It does take an act of patience for the one on the other side of it, though, doesn’t it? And, I know it feels even worse for them. And, honestly, you’d do anything in the world to help, but it feels, sometimes, like nothing helps. Prayer. That’s my biggest resource. Prayer. — Prayers for y’all as well. Glad to hear you’ve seen some improvement over the years. — Thanks for sharing with #ChasingCommunity today. ((hug))
((Hugs)) back to you and your son. Thank you for sharing what works for the two of you. That is great that he can retain and reflect back on what you say at a later time. Yes, I agree our struggle does not compare to the one that has the anxiety. Prayers are what works for me too. Prayers are going out your way tonight.
Thank you for sharing Mauri!
I hope the strategies work well in your family; I know they have helped us. I bet some of them look familiar to what we went over in our class. Hope all is well in your family.
Maree, we have a lot in common! My daughter struggled with anxiety that led to deep depression. I have been interviewed on TV twice for this in the past month. In Canada we have something called #BELLTALK which focuses on talking about mental illness. Trying to break the negative stigma for people who suffer. In case you want to see my show I could send you a link? My friend also has released an online course for overcoming Anxiety & Depression that you may be interested in. Let me know if you want me to send you anything on it. Her book is being published in January of 2018 discussing the same.
I love your practical tip for parents.
I found your blog through Brenda’s #ChasingCommunity Linkup. Praying for you today.
~Sherry Stahl
xoxo
Sherry, I am so glad you stopped by and read my blog post. I would love to have the link and find out more about your friend’s book. Please feel free to leave it in the comments; someone else might benefit from it too.
My email is maree.dee@www.embracingtheunexpected.com if you prefer to send it that way.
Helping families support their loved ones is a passion of mine. I do not want anyone to feel alone or give up.
It was great connecting with you.