As I squeeze my eyes shut tight, wishing, and imagining life were different -it takes me back to a place and time where I can hear those precious little footsteps making their way to my room. I see her, my beautiful girl, standing beside my bed in her flowing white nightgown. “Good morning Mommy,” the sweet sound rolls right off of her lips.
I think to myself what a beautiful place to be. I begin squeezing my eyes even tighter, refusing to open them to my reality. I want life to be the way it used to be. #wishing #unexpected Share on X
Pondering to myself; my current life must be a dream, a nightmare. When I open my eyes, it will be just as it was, or as I planned it should be. You know, back to when mental illness was a foreign concept in our home. I slowly open one eye and then the other. Oh, it is the same. It is not a dream. I am in the same house, same prayer list, and the same mental health books on the nightstand. This life is my reality.
It Is What It Is!
I am thinking back to when the mental illness first reared its head. At first, I refused to believe in mental illness, and I would say, “Pull your bootstraps up and get moving.” Then I quickly switched to spinning my wheels, searching for the best treatment and the best doctors. I pushed like a mad momma to force things back to how they were.
Announcing with clarity and confidence, “We will resume life like before the mental illness came knocking at our door.”
Then reality set in; life wasn’t going back to the way it was. Our circumstances are different now, and this illness has changed each family member.
So Many Changes and Challenges
When I accepted our family’s mental illness, things improved. I started to learn about mental illness and the skills to live a life worth living for both my loved one and me.
It works well most of the time until the overwhelming sadness hits.
My heart feels like it will break when bombarded by reminders of milestones not quite reached and dreams not achieved. Heartbroken for my daughter and sad for myself.
After all, we had different plans for us.
I am confused by it all; I have losses that the world can’t see. After all, nobody died.
My loved one has pain that I can’t comprehend. Yes, I am thankful beyond words she is alive. We have made the most of this challenging circumstance, and I am proud of us.
Yes, I am living a life worth living, but the losses still need to be named and mourned. #grief #losses #mentalillness Share on X.
When I began that process to truly grieve and put away my imagination, something spectacular happened. I started to embrace the new beautiful person my loved one had become. She is someone filled with incredible strength, courage, humor, love, and compassion. Plus, I, too, have changed and grown closer to who God created me to be.
Of course, it is a process. When I receive those college graduation announcements or wedding invitations from my best friend’s children, I will most likely revisit the losses.
I will need to put my wishing aside and –
Accept the Loss, Name It, Grieve It, and Do It All Over Again. #grief #grieving #loss #mentalillness Share on X
Do you find yourself wishing things were different? Do you recognize your losses? Have you learned to appreciate the new person your loved one has become?
Click here to find more on the topic of Grief and Loss.
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Embracing Faith & Mental Illness is a Christ-centered online community for people who care for someone with a mental illness. We have four unique ways for caregivers to participate. You choose what works best for you.
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I know what you mean and I think we all try to push our feelings aside without properly grieving. Or we feel the occasional sadness over something that happened and don’t let ourselves stay there for a minute. Life is hard and sometimes allowing grief seems to be the hardest.
Yes, grief is a strange thing. I find it comes back to haunt me when I don’t take the time to grieve. Life is hard. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Maree
Echoing this for myself on so many levels. In fact I said some of the very same things to someone this week – it is what it is and I wish things could be different. Sometimes I don’t like that I grow best during the difficult times. Blessings to you as you travel this road.
Thanks for linking up with Literacy Musing Mondays.
Brandi – I couldn’t agree with you more, I too grow during difficult times. I just had a conversation with God about that. Why I can’t grow during good times, I just don’t know. Maree
Yes…it would be nice to have more good times than bad and difficult times. ..we do not learn when things are rosy and sweet, we sometime take things for granted until the bottom drops out. The Lord always wants us to be more like Christ, humble, patient, long-suffering, gentle with self control.
In the beginning, He created an AWESOME paradise, and because of Adam and Eve’s sin, we too suffer the consequences.
I was wondering, why didn’t Adam and Eve take responsibiliy for their sins, confess, repent, and ask for forgiveness. God is so loving and gracious that I am sure He would grant mercy on them if they would stop blaming each other for their rebellious sins.
Kalyani, I wonder the same thing. Why didn’t Adam and Eve ask for forgiveness? But then again I know when we sin many times we act just like them. I am so glad God is so loving and forgiving. Thank you for leaving such an insightful comment.
Thanks for sharing and reminding us that whatever we’re going through is designed to bring us closer to our Heavenly Father. Praying for you my sweet friend!
Donna, Thank you for your sweet prayers. I too am sending prayers for you right now. Blessings, Maree
Maree, Thank you for sharing this very poignant and transparent post. Your walk through pain has brought glory to God as you “count it all joy” and seek to see the good despite it all. Yet you allow yourself to grieve. You are demonstrating a beautiful balance all while honoring the Lord.
Blessings to you.
Karen, Thank you for your beautiful words. You made my day! I do have to say not all days to I demonstrate balance. I am a work in progress. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Blessings, Maree.
Maree- thank you for admitting how hard it is and what you are struggling with. Change is always happening and life turns out how we didn’t expect. However, in those times, God is present in some way, isn’t He?
I’m so glad I’m your neighbor at #Salt&Light
Julie – I am always glad when we end up being neighbors. Thank you for stopping by. So true life is never quite what we expected. Yes, God is present. Thank goodness because I don’t know what I would do without him. I have physically been alone in places I never dreamed of being but I never once felt alone. God is so good. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Blessings, Maree
Oh Maree, ((BIG HUGS)) Your strength and power in being vulnerable and transparent is inspiring. I think we might not all relate to the mental illness of someone close to us, but we can all relate to wishing things were different…. for some it might be addictions, or illnesses that change those we love and all we can do it love them the best we can… and as you said recognize the loss, name it, grieve it, and accept it all over again. Blessings to you and thank you for linking up with #TuneInThursday today.
Debbie, Your words are so encouraging each week. Thank you for taking the time to respond. My desire is to reach more than just people with a loved one with mental illness. We all will have struggles at some point in life and will need to embrace the unexpected. Maree
((Maree)) Bless your vulnerability. Prayers for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your heart. ((xoxo))
Brenda – You are so sweet. I find if we do not share we end up doing life alone. Of course, it is a fine line between my story and someone else’s story. Maree
Your faith to move forward is powerful to me. We have recently discovered something like this in our family too and yes, it is hard. Some days it feels like we know how to cope and be and others require us to face people about it and be out in the world where I’d rather just not deal. God is helping us day by day and He is you too. Prayers! Each soul matters to Him.
Meghan – You are so right – It is hard. I am so glad you have God to help see you through each and every day. One key thing I found was connecting with people that get it. Please know you can email me at maree.dee@www.embracingtheunexpected.com anytime and talk privately and confidentially. This is hard stuff to do alone. I won’t claim to have answers but I would love support you in anyway I can. Maree
Ah, Mother’s Day and also my birthday. I have struggled in the past with how to feel happiness on days such as this when my heart is so broken. I feel, most times, that I don’t deserve to feel loved because I have failed my loved one. What you said is something I hope to write on my heart so that I can live it! Live the moment and thank God for the little miracles along the way. Thank you for your words of encouragement!
I hope you can find the miracles of the day. I know for me some days are easier than others. Many a holiday I have just been glad they are over. I know for me lowering my expectation of myself and others can also help tremendously.
Wonderful article! Your honest words about the feeling of loss and grieving for what might have been struck a chord with me. Thank you for creating this blog where our community can come together to learn from and support each other.
I totally agree we need community! My hope is we can form a community of people that can support and learn from each other. I know I need others on this journey. Thank you for being a part of this community.
Beautifully written, and with so much understanding and compassion for both your loved one and yourself.
Thank you, my sweet friend. I could not do this without you.