For parents, the death of your child has to be “the worst nightmare possible.” Today I have a special guest with us, Debbie Beck-Siddiqui from Embrace REALationships to share how she has been surviving the death of her son. Not only is she a talented speaker but she is one of my dearest friends. She has taught me in this last year more about grief, love, and faith than I ever thought possible. It has been a privilege to be a part of her life and watch God carry her through these last months. She has a faith which has not wandered even in the midst of great pain and the worst nightmare of her life. 

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What Is Your Worst Nightmare? 

Guest Post by Debbie Beck-Siddiqui

My Thoughts at Eight Weeks After My Son’s Death

The “worst possible nightmare” became a reality for me. In an instant, my life changed, and will never be the same again. My 22-year-old son, Kamran, died in a motorcycle accident. My world has become duller as Kamran was such a bright light in my life. I can’t imagine my life without him. As I struggle to make sense of this tragedy, I wonder how will I survive this pain and the vast void I feel.

However, stronger than ever I am convicted of several things –

I THOUGHT I KNEW… NOW…I KNOW THAT I KNOW.

I Know God is Faithful to His Promises.

Our Lord promises He will never leave us nor forsake us and He hasn’t left me for one second of this nightmare. He is real, His promises are true. He is sustaining me. I have felt the power, presence, and strength of God before, but never like this. God is physically holding me up – over and over and over again.

It doesn’t make sense to the human mind. 

I KNOW without God in my life the pain would consume me.

When my pain sweeps over me and takes me to my knees; He is holding me there as well!

I KNOW God will work “good” from this; good will come out of this tragedy.

“And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

I Know my son is in heaven living in eternity “out loud” and loving “fiercely” just as he did on earth.

My son was confident in his relationship with God the Father and Jesus. I have seen him lean into God, especially in this past year. I will see him again, and I thank God for that every day!

Where I Am Today

Here are my thoughts as I approach the one year mark. 

As the veil of shock begins to fade, I find it difficult to articulate, “where I am now.” It feels as if  I am afloat in a little rubber dingy, on a massive ocean of emotion.

Every day in this ocean of grief, there is either a storm of overwhelming emotions raging (sorrow, fear, anguish, pain) or one brewing on the horizon, threatening to burst open. There are moments when the sea is calm and peaceful.  But then out of nowhere; I am ambushed by a rogue wave which tosses me around and threatens to throw me overboard into a “dark place.”

Moments holds a myriad of emotions and feelings. Often multiple ones occurring at the same time causing my human mind to be conflicted.

• Hope and Despair
• Joy and Sorrow
• Anguish and Comfort
• Misery and Peace

It is like having beautiful sunrays shining through the clouds, and a torrential storm is released.

Regardless, I know the rainbow which represents God’s promise is there as well.

What I wrote above at the beginning of this journey with grief still holds true. My conviction to those truths is stronger than ever and grows every day.

What I Know and Believe in the Depths of My Soul 

God is faithful to His promises.

Without God, in my life, the pain would consume me.

 God will and has worked “good” from this tragedy.

My son, Kamran, is in heaven, living eternity out loud and loving fiercely just as he did on earth.

I will see my sweet boy again one day in heaven.

What is Predictable in Grief?

Grief is unpredictable! It is unchartered waters with each loss and unique to us as individuals.

The only predictable thing about grief is God will be with me every moment.  He alone is the air in the dingy that keeps me afloat.  I have and will continue to draw from His strength during the distress of this storm – the worst nightmare of my life.

Are you living your own worst nightmare? We would love to pray for you. 

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Debbie is a Public Speaker who is passionate about developing, restoring and leading through REAL, Authentic Relationships, what she likes to call REALationships.

She doesn’t claim to be an expert at relationships, but just like you, she desires real relationships in her life. Whether it is a REALationship with God, Ourselves, Our Husbands, Children or Friends, Debbie believes it is something we all long for deep down in the core of who we are and who God created us to be.

Through her fusion of storytelling, transparency, and conversational style she hopes to share the redemptive value of her past in hopes that it may help your future. Click to visit on her:  Website, Facebook, Instagram, and KAMS Foundation.

If you would like to read Debbie’s original post she wrote at eight weeks you can find it here.

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